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Eric, Kevin… it’s over. I think it’s time we finally removed the veil of secrecy behind our shadow alliance lest we ruin our credibility any further.
It’s true, I’ve spent years trying to build up my reputation as reliable and trustworthy just so the three of us could pull off one of the biggest scams in fantasy football history without anyone noticing. Unfortunately, I didn’t consider Davie’s investigative prowess which would eventually bring this whole house of cards crashing down on us all.
In the interest of full disclosure and what I consider to be the first step to making amends, I’d like to explain to you all the events that led to this unfortunate situation.
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Fall 2005 (Underground Fantasy Football Conspiracy Bunker)
Wad: I have called the two of you here to share with you my most diabolical plan ever! The three of us must engage these fools in our fantasy league in a brilliant game of cat and mouse. The trick is to make them feel comfortable, gain their trust, let them think they can win in this league... then, we move in.
Spae: What do you suggest?
Wad: When everyone trusts us enough to not investigate our actions, we pull the wool over their eyes and steal ourselves a championship!
Urgie: My interest is piqued. Exactly what did you have in mind?
Wad: I say we conspire to make a trade for a 21st ranked fantasy running back!
Urgie: It’s brilliant! I can practically start spending the fantasy winnings now!
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December 2009
Wad: Hey Urgie, ESPN said you beat Vic to advance to the championship game, but now it’s reporting that Vic won.
Urgie: Hmm, maybe you should go through the numbers again just to be sure.
(One Hour Later)Wad: I’ve gone over it again and again, and the results are the same. Vic won.
Urgie: Well, that is disheartening
Wad: You know I could just change it back. We can finally hatch our scheme that we’ve been building towards for nearly half a decade!
Urgie: After all those hard years of building up trust, we can’t let it fall apart now. No, at this point we have enough good will to pull this one off, but we really want to stick it to the unsuspecting members of the league. All this time we’ll be setting them up for
“THE BIG TRADE”Wad: Okay, I’ll do an
update with cheap sentiment lamenting your loss to throw everyone off our trail.
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Wednesday, November 16th, 2011, 12:01 PM
Spae: That’s it! The trade deadline has passed. It’s time. Wadhams, make the trade.
Wad: Finally, the holy trinity of fantasy football villainy will pull the
coup de grâce on these unsuspecting sheeple!
Urgie: Gentlemen… here’s to human misery!
Urgie/Wad/Spae: (Villainous laugh) Hahahaha!!!
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November 20, 2011
Davie: Hmm, something is amiss. I can feel it. Why would Spae, who has no chance of making the playoffs, let such a great running back like Marshawn Lynch go in a trade when he only gets draft picks in return. Lynch is almost nearly as talented as Beanie Wells & Knowshon Moreno combined!
Davie (getting introspective): I cannot in good conscious sit idly by while such a miscarriage of justice takes place. These three need to be “PUNISHED!”
(Door flies open)
The Punisher: And now I will draw upon the only superpower of punishment in my arsenal; I’m going to sarcastically complain on the message board.
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November 21, 2011
Spae: What the hell is this Wadhams!? I thought your plan was fool proof! You promised me we’d be insulated from any wrongdoing!
Urgie: I’ve got a wife and kid to think about. I can’t afford to be at the center of a horrible conspiracy.
Wad: Gentlemen, the dream is over.
Spae: Wait, maybe we could convince everyone we made the trade at 11:59AM, and I didn’t tell you about it until a few hours later. People might believe that I don’t do things on time. Even though I’m totally reliable when it comes to getting stuff done quickly. Remember how I got you that streak for the cash money exactly three months after you won.
Urgie: Yeah, that might actually work. We could even make the claim that I’m not very tech savvy and don’t know how to make trades via the website! It won’t be easy, but I think we have a chance at making people believe that I’m not good with computers.
Wad: Now who in their right mind would ever believe such malarkey!?
(Spae & Urgie hang their heads in defeat)
Wad: Let’s be honest, we’ve all seen the Punisher’s posts on the message board. There’s no way we can counter his sarcastic tone and arguments with holes in the logic so big even C.J. Spiller could run through them. I think we should cut our losses, admit what we’ve done and beg forgiveness.
(Spae & Urgie, solemnly nod in agreement)
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Well that’s the story guys. All these years of keeping things quiet have finally ended. It wasn’t easy to maintain such a covert alliance. The only people who came close to uncovering this conspiracy were Joe Pro & Don. Sadly we had to silence them. What? Did you think it was just a coincidence that no one has seen or heard from them on the message board in a while?
It's a horrible scandal, I know. Get a good night's sleep. All right? Study. All right? We still got things to do. All right. I'm out of it maybe now. I got a phone call that put me out of it. But we will go from here, OK? Hey, good luck, everybody. And thanks for coming. And pray a little bit for those victims. We are Underdogs Fantasy Football.
