Week 4: NFL/Fantasy Owners

First of all, thanks to Joe Pro for the heads up on the Union-Sun & Journal's police report today. No names though. Any ideas on who it was?

Town of Lockport

• FIRE: A Sebastian Drive man reported Friday that as he was pulling up to his house, he noticed smoke coming from under the hood of his 2001 Pontiac Grand Prix. He lifted the hood and saw his engine was on fire, the report said. The man said he was able to put the fire out with a garden hose. An estimate of damage was not available.

Link to story:
Union-Sun Police Report
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Well, the NFL’s regular season is a quarter over and Fantasy Football’s is just under a third finished. Now that things are pretty well established, from a seasonal perspective and because this is the 6th official year of the league, I’d like to take this time to discuss team owners.

Who wants to hear me recap week after week? It eventually gets boring. You should all have access to my dementia! At least the portions that cause me to daydream about stuff like this.

Now, we've all come to know one another’s tendencies as Fantasy Team Owners. Joey loves him some darkness at quarterback, Ginny can’t seal the deal, and I bitch about how the entire world is against me. So I wondered, now that we’re pretty well established in our behavior, how we would fare as NFL owners. More specifically, which NFL owner most closely mirrors our Fantasy personality?
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Rock - Al Davis



Is it really that hard to see? Neither can build a winner no matter how high they draft every year. Both seem hypnotized by the glitter of a rookie prospect (Rock – Jay Cutler, Al Davis – Robert Gallery), Both seem to be in love with Darren McFadden this season. They jury’s still out on that one, but rest assured, that no matter how high the Raiders/Dragons draft, there’ll be a bust with their name on it.
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Wadhams - Daniel Snyder



Why Snyder? First and foremost… he’s a Jew! But like Snyder, I spend exorbitant amounts of money each season (I led the league in free agent pickups last year and this season I’m at the front of acquisitions). But for all the money spending, neither of us can build a winner. Rather than look in the mirror at the real cause of the problem, in typical Jew form we blame everyone else for the team’s inability to win a championship. Snyder – The Coaches, the players. Wadhams – The schedule, the keeper restrictions (I had to let Brandon Marshall & Reggie Bush go, while Rock gets rewarded for having a terrible team by only keeping two and drafting high!). The Redskins are doing slightly better than I am this year. Perhaps I should get some thugs to shoot Plaxico Burress in the Femoral Artery to up my win total.
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Joey - Ralph Wilson



Why Ralph? Because the two of them are both from the Old School, that’s why. Ralph is one of the principal founders of the AFL, plus he gave the money to keep the Oakland Raiders and Boston Patriots afloat when they were about to go under, so you KNOW that's old school when one guy can support 3 football teams. Joey’s been playing fantasy football since the 80’s. Seriously. Even before it was called fantasy football, it was known as Terry Bradshaw football. Things were done on his computer. A Tandy if I remember correctly. I still remember on our way to Media Play in the summer of 96, Joey had to stop by The Dugout to put his fantasy picks in. The quarterback? One Jeff Blake! Both Wilson & Joey’s strength lies in the draft. Neither is one to throw a lot of money toward flashy free agents, and it’s paying off with a solid season for both.
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Timmy - Jerry Jones



Yee-Haw! With a Dickie Bomb in hand and a TapOut belt buckle so big it HAS to have come from the Lone Star State, Timmy’s the boisterous fantasy owner of our league. Both Timmy and JJ are making moves and acquiring players that by every indication aren’t worth the trouble. (Timmy: Julius Jones, Michael Turner, Jerry Jones: Tank Johnson, Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones). Yet somehow when they get on the roster, they play well. Both have championships to their name.
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Urgie - Lamar Hunt



I know it seems kind of morbid to be comparing Urgie to a dead guy but hear me out. Lamar Hunt was the late owner of the Chiefs who actually was the guy who founded the AFL, and gave our beloved Bills a league in which to play. When he passed away nearly two years ago, there was a lot of outpouring of respect for the guy. When I look at Urgie in the world of Fantasy Football, he hasn’t really accomplished much, but he’s been pretty much widely respected. He doesn’t take cheap shots at the other league members, he doesn’t complain about getting a bad wrap or having his star players get hurt. Lamar Hunt was the only example of an NFL owner I could think of who everybody had something nice to say about. The same goes for Urgie. It just sucks that he couldn’t have stayed alive a few more years so this analogy would be a little more accurate.
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Vic - Robert Kraft



While not the “dynasty” the Patriots were/are?, Vic has won multiple championships if you want to count the 2002 season when he won our original 12 man league that had both Cam & Santos. But like Kraft, Vic has been hording the talent that is Landanian Tomlinson season, after season after season. While Brady is considered by many to be the best football player in the NFL, LT is highly regarded as the best Fantasy Player. Now we just need Tomlinson to go the way of Brady and we’ll be sitting pretty. November 9th, and December 14th the Chargers will be playing Bernard Pollard and the Chiefs. Enjoy it while it lasts Vic.
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Joe Pro – Steve Bisciotti



They’re both Italian. They’re both snappy dressers. But the big parallel here is that Bisciotti wound up buying the Ravens after Art Modell decided to give them up once he had won a championship with the team in 2000. Bob Leising won the league in 2004 and was given the boot shortly thereafter. In stepped Joe Pro to take the reigns of a once proud championship team. While their teams haven’t won it all since they took over, the two are working vigorously to reestablish themselves as a contender.
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Ginny - Paul Allen



It’s not just because Paul Allen got where he is by latching on to Bill Gates, the way Ginny got where he is by marrying into the Maziarz family. No, the parallels between these two owners are far more sinister. Seattle is like a road map for Ginny’s trainwreck teams. Division championship after division championship. Riding high all season. Then come the playoffs, and there goes the talent that got them there. Is it the Chunky (Endorsed by Hasslebeck & consumed by Ginny)? Most likely.
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Spae – William Clay Ford, Sr.



I’d like to thank Joey for help on this one. When I first tried thinking of Spae’s antics in the league, nothing specific came to mind. That is until I remembered how poorly he writes/spells his posts. Until Dexter Manley gets a franchise, I’ll have to settle for someone who’s just short of illiterate. Who can read Spae’s writing? Seriously? And just like William Clay Ford, Sr., why the hell couldn’t he read the writing on the wall? Letting Matt Millen run your franchise for 7 years?!?! Plus he’s one of the kingpins at Ford. Can’t he see the American automotive industry is a sinking ship? These guys need to learn to read! Learn to read! Learn to read!
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T-Smoke – Mike Brown



T was probably the toughest to find a match with. His deal is a never-ending hatred of Ginny. And since the Seahawks moved from the AFC to the NFC a couple years back, they really don’t have a clear-cut nemesis. So I decided to compare T to the Bengals owner. Not just because of their love-affair with Carson Palmer, but mostly due to the fact that they can have a great team on paper, but it somehow doesn’t translate to success on the field. I remember everyone at the draft saying he had a great team. And who could disagree. Marshawn, Braylon Edwards, Terrell Owens, Carson Palmer. The list goes on and on. But for some reason, they hit the field and then they can’t seem to put it together. Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, T.J. Houshmandzadeh… I figure the Bengals should have at least 1 win. I figure with T’s talent, he should be over .500.