Throughout the many years we’ve been playing fantasy football together, a certain number of lines have been drawn that divide people into groups with the title of either: Fantasy Football Friend or Fantasy Football Foe. While others still fall into the category of neutrality. My such board of friends, enemies and … meh, are as follows:
Enemies:
- Vic – Everything about Vic, in the realm of sports, says “Fuck you, Wadhams!” From his defeating me in the final game of the 2006 season (A game that if I won, would’ve put me in the playoffs, and subsequently I would have won the championship), to beating me down in last year’s championship game, Vic has been a thorn in the paw that is my Fantasy Football glory! Don’t stop there, you can look at the other things Vic has done to oppose me. Ladanian Tomlinson as the only player ranked above my precious Adrian Peterson in almost every fantasy ranking. Carl Edwards (Vic’s NASCAR boy), the new rival of Kyle Busch (My boy, and current points leader). Fuck you Vic! Your day of reckoning is coming.
- Rock – The former mayor of Rockville & owner of a perennial bottom 4 team. I first turned my hatred toward Rock last season as I was the well publicized mayor of nearby Oaktown. Rock’s team’s lackluster performance combined with his managerial impotence forced the Thrashers out of Rockville forever. Now it’s up to Joey (Owner of the now defunct Oaktown Rippers) & I to decide what to do since we’ve claimed lordship over the dominion of Rockville.
- Ginny – Waking up at 4:00am to add the latest player who had a monster week. Picking up shitty free agents and then offering them up in a trade. This is but a taste of the dirty pool that Ginny calls Fantasy Football. Honor? Nope. Integrity? Pfft… please. At least we don’t have to throw “Being able to rise to the occasion when the pressure is on” to that list.
Friends:
- T – We’ll always be united in our hatred of Ginny and our mutual disgust at Spae skipping out on his family last year to spend Thanksgiving with the Deils. These were both things that T had no problem being vocal about on the message board, and for that he will always be on my good fantasy graces.
- Joey – Together we ruled Oaktown with an iron fist. Now, with the prospect of the Oaktown franchise claiming land near Sebastian Drive, you can rest assured that there will be overwhelming naval support in the form of nigger hating dolphins. In the world of fantasy football Joey and I have a non-aggression pact that is iron clad. As long as the Dragons of Sebastian Drive exist, there will be nigger hating dolphins and (insert joey’s name) united against them.
- Timmy – For the most part, Timmy has kind of flown under the radar. He doesn’t seem to engage in a lot of message board bashing or incur the wrath of anyone. Normally this would put him in the …meh category. But for one shining week in December of 2006, Timmy won the Underdogs Fantasy Football Championship by defeating the spawn of Satan* himself. *I'm referring to Vic
Meh
- Urgie – I originally had you in the friends category, but there’s never been much fanfare when you and I have played each other. You’ve neither crossed me nor done anything fantasy football wise to earn my accolades.
- Joe Pro – I harbor no ill will toward Joe Pro as of now. He fucks with Ginny, which is good. But he fucks with T, which I don’t care for. Ginny could easily take enough berating for the both of them. I can’t even mock Joe Pro for all his free agent pickups because I still had more than him last season. In short I’m Switzerland to his everyone else.
- Spae – Spae is going the way of the enemy more than friend. We’re in the same division, and I’m still bitter about the hissy fit he threw in 2006 regarding the Ronnie Brown, Larry Fitzgerald trade. Good call there brother, Ronnie Brown is fantasy gold & is Larry Fitzgerald even in the league anymore? So watch your step, you’re teetering on the brink. And just so you know, if things with you and T escalate again this season, you won’t have to ask where my loyalties lie.
