2009 UDFFL Champion

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It's Vic


Another championship for the NFL!
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Here’s the final tally for the acquisition costs:

Vic – 3 Acquisitions = $3
Joe Pro – 15 Acquisitions = $35*
Spae – 13 Acquisitions = $25*
Urgie – 5 Acquisitions = $5*
Timmy – 1 Acquisition = $1*
Ginny – 14 Acquisitions = $30
Rock – 10 Acquisitions = $10*
Joey – 10 Acquisitions = $10*
T-Smoke – 9 Acquisitions = $9
Wadhams – 8 Acquisitions = $8
Don – 7 Acquisitions = $7*
Davie – 7 Acquisitions = $7*

* – Still have not paid the $100 entry fee

Obviously Joe Pro and Spae will have the money deducted from their winnings, but for the rest of you, please get the entry fee to me or Devin (or hell, even Joe Pro or Vic) as soon as possible.

As far as the acquisition dollars, I’m starting a thread on how it should be spent.
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Finally, here is the draft order for the 2010 season:
1. Davie
2. Don
3. Wadhams
4. T-Smoke
5. Joey
6. Rock
7. Ginny (Regular Season 7-6, 1407.5 Points for)
8. Timmy (Regular Season 9-4, 1505.5 Points for)
9. Urgie (Regular Season 8-5, 1554.5 Points for)
10. Spae (Regular Season 9-4, 1448 Points for)
11. Joe Pro (Lost Championship Game)
12. Vic (2009 League Champion)

Championship Matchup

It is with a heavy heart that I must make the announcement that ESPN’s initial report of Urgie beating Vic was inaccurate. Vic won the game by a single point.

This isn’t the first time ESPN has messed up. Remember last season when I picked up Justin Gage & The Giants Defense? Then they put them back in the free agent pool and Rock and Vic picked them up.

Of course that was nothing compared to this fuck-up. This turn of events both pisses me off and depresses me at the same time.

I honestly spent about an hour going to NFL.com and ESPN.com to check their box scores for every game that was involved in the fantasy matchup. I also crossed referenced those stats with our league’s scoring system. I covered everything (even the 3 points Urgie got for Ray Edwards blocking John Kasay’s PAT) and came to the painful realization that ESPN (though after far too long, and some false hope to boot) got the result right.

It’s funny how fragile and delicate the victories can be. If the 49ers scored 14 instead of 13 points, Urgie would’ve won. Just one more Minnesota sack or INT and it would be a different story.

I’m sorry Urgie, I joke a lot when it comes to fantasy football but I can honestly say that of all the people in the league I feel you deserve a championship the most. You don’t resort to cheap shots or shit-talking and I’ve never heard you complain (even after Brady got knocked out in the first game last year and you didn’t take a backup until the end of the draft)

Be that as it may, good luck to Joe Pro and Vic. Even though whichever of you wins will definitely be deserving of the title, I’ll remember this as the season ESPN fucked up (though they eventually got it right)

Week 15: C-C-C-Combo Breaker!!!

Well, well, well. It appears for the 7th consecutive year we are going to have a first time champion in our league. First off, I’ll answer the question of: “What is the payout?”

Since it’s our first season in a 12 man league, the money distribution will increase. Although I should deprive Urigie of this bonus and hold him to the cash standards of years past. Did you think I forgot about you voting down expansion after the 2007 season? Voting it down before I could even make an argument! I saw your “secret ballot”. You wrote “No” before I was even allowed to speak. It’s that type of closed mindedness that makes me think you should be punished for your myopic stance.

But I won’t, for Wad is a fair and just commissioner. I treat all teams with equal respect (after I occasionally engage in drunkenly berating them), so the payout is as follows:

Winner: $750
2nd Place: $350
3rd Place: $100

Now onto the more serious issue of money.,, The only people who have paid are:
Wadhams – I’ve already had my $100 in the envelope since day 1 (After winning the championship and taking second, I’m still playing with house money fuckers!)
Vic – September 6, 2009 on draft day
T-Smoke – October, 22 2009 at Finnan’s
Ginny – November 12, 2009 via a personal check at his house

That’s it!

Joe Pro & Urgie will have their entry fee deducted from their winnings. This leaves the following people indebted to the victors:

Joey
Spae
Don
Davie
Timmy
Rock

It would be greatly appreciated if you could get your money in as soon as possible. Also, I’ll have the final tally for the acquisition fees after the championship next week. After that we need to decide what to do for a year end “get-together” for the usual “airing of grievances” and drinking.

Feel free to post ideas for said get-together on the message board.

Finally, here is the revised draft order for next season:
1. Davie
2. Don
3. Wadhams
4. T-Smoke
5. Joey
6. Rock
7. Ginny (Regular Season 7-6, 1407.5 Points for)
8. Timmy (Regular Season 9-4, 1505.5 Points for)
- Spae (Regular Season 9-4, 1448 Points for)*
- Vic (Regular Season 9-4, 1530 Points for)*

*Winner will receive $100 and the 10th pick in the 2010 draft

Week 14: Things are really starting to heat up!

We're down to the final four teams, two-thirds of the league has been eliminated and we'll have our official champion crowned in less than two weeks.

There's really not much more to say since (aside from Spae), none of us have seen or heard from the remaining team owners in a coon's age.

Now the only thing left up for discussion is which quarterback should Vic start? I included this gif to help you decide:



With all that said, here is the revised draft order for next season:
1. Davie
2. Don
3. Wadhams
4. T-Smoke
5. Joey
6. Rock
7. Ginny (Regular Season 7-6, 1407.5 Points for)
8. Timmy (Regular Season 9-4, 1505.5 Points for)

Week 13: The Rock's Outside Looking In

Well, the playoffs are here once again. Does that excite you Todd Haley?


Well, the table is set. Only six teams remain. Joe Pro & Vic earned a bye, while the remaining four have to fight it out in the trenches.

With all that said, here's how the beginning of next year's draft will will go:
1. Davie
2. Don
3. Wadhams
4. T-Smoke
5. Joey
6. Rock

Yes Rock, you get the last pick from the non-qualifiers.

To the remaining teams, good luck!

Week 12: Playoff Withdrawal

This is all pretty unfamiliar territory for me. I’ve only missed the playoffs once since the league began, and that was the 2005 season (Damn you J.J. Arrington!). Rock, how do you do this every year?! Knowing the futility of the games you play each week?!

Normally, this is the portion of the season where I follow football the most. Where every single touchdown in every single game has an overwhelming value. Last night I watched the Sabres/Leafs game and didn’t even catch the Saints/Patriots.

It’s horrible, the fact that I care so little about football now. But I’m not going to be that bitter, I would like to extend my congratulations to those who are still in the thick of the hunt.

Joe Pro has clinched a 1st round bye, the other free pass to the second round will be given to either Timmy or Vic. Urgie & Spae are in. Finally the last playoff slot will likely be filled by Ginny or Rock, whichever of the two limps to the division championship.

At least I can control my own destiny and pick third next season, unless Don or Davie is willing to trade spots!

So at this point, as a former champion, I can only offer this advice: Be like the attorney in this video: Go after the CASH! The INSURANCE MONEY! The DAMAGES THAT THE LAW ALLOWS! But above all else: GET WHAT’S YOURS!!!


I just had to find a way to include this commercial in an update. Personally, I think that if you're driving, and you get in an accident where you go 35 feet in the air, and then while in the air, your car fucking explodes, well, you might have a case.

Week 11: The Playoff Picture

With just two weeks left in the regular season, the playoffs are shaping up: Eliminated are:
Davie
Don
Wadhams

Those who have clinched a playoff spot are:
Timmy
Vic
Joe Pro

Needing one win to clinch:
Spae
Urgie

And with regard to the lowly XFL, odds are that whoever wins the division is the only one getting into the postseason.

As disappointing as it is for me to miss the playoffs, I can honestly say I would much rather be in the NFL and endure more difficult competition than to slum it up with the likes of the XFL crowd.

Week 10: The Fantasy Code

Sorry about the delay in the update, but I’ve been researching something. Something that all but guarantees with mathematical certainty who this year’s champion will be.

How did I come to this conclusion? What data could I possess that would support this claim? And most importantly: Who will win it all?

Well, first of all, those who know me best know that I find patterns in almost anything in life that is non sequitur. In this case, I was going across the league history when I discovered who will be the next league champion.

The answer: Spae

I present you with the following:

2004 – Bob Leising becomes champion after defeating Joey Slomba.
2005 – Joey Slomba becomes champion after defeating Tim Yaple
2006 – Tim Yaple becomes champion after defeating Jeffery Klumpp
2007 – Jeffrey Klumpp becomes champion after defeating Peter Mayers
2008 – Peter Mayers becomes champion after defeating Eric Klumpp

See a pattern yet?

It’s not like this is a couple of years in a row, we’re going back to 2004. Davie was still in High school, I had just moved to Florida, no one was married, O.J. was a free man. We’re only six weeks from 2010, this pattern of championships is sound. It’s all but a guarantee.

That is of course if Spae doesn’t completely tank. Realistically though, the only way I see this ending is if Joe Pro wins. The pattern all started with Bob Leising. If I were a Red Sox faggot, I would label this a curse, with the only remedy being the person who took over Bob’s team winning it all.

So I’m calling my shot now. Spae’s winning it.

Week 9: The Ultimate Tank Job

FACEPALM!!!

An open letter to Rock:

It seems that the doodle karma struck again. Remember serving Don up with the "Doodle Dance" Saturday night?

What was your lead up to at one point Rock? 70 points or so?

Congratulations, you found a way to make the 2004 ALCS Yankees look clutch!

Seriously though, tough break. It's not like you can control how things go, that's just the nature of Fantasy Football.

Well Rock, at least your pub picks and survivor pool...

Doodle Dance = The New Campbell's Chunky

Week 8: "Blow me! All of you!"

Well, that's it. I'm fucked!

It's over, and I can accept that. I'm not going to make the playoffs this year. I had a good run and now it's someone else's time to shine.

At least I got Ryan Moats off the free agent wire. Not that I need a running back, it's just that I had to make sure Ginny didn't get him to supplant his boy Slaton.

Yes, it's come to this again. I can't beat anyone else so I pick on Ginny for his shortcomings. Kind of like the kid at school who's father beats the hell out of him. Wishing he could fight back against his father, but just isn't big enough, he decides to pick on the weakest kid in school.

That's right Ginny, you're the league's bitch and you always will be until you win a championship!

The sweater photo will be mine! And once that happens, may God have mercy on your soul!

On a side note I'll be in Vegas this weekend. Penthouse at the Palms. No I'm not joking. In the words of Bender: "Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourself!"

Week 7: 'Godspeed, little doodle,'

Peter Mayers: is happy to see the doodle brought back down to earth!!!
Peter Mayers: thinks Rock angered the Fantasy Football Gods by serving Spae something fierce with that gay doodle dance in week 6!!!
Peter Mayers: thinks Rock should get a Twitter account so none of us can be deprived of his every waking thought ;)
Peter Mayers: would like to know why if he was never in the balloon, can the kid be called "Balloon Boy"???
Peter Mayers: believes Cyril Sneer to be the third most bad-ass cartoon supervillian of all time!!!

Peter Mayers: is pumped for the nationally televised UB game one week from tonight!
Peter Mayers: will continue to mock Rock's constant Facebook status updates until he sees fit to stop!!!
Peter Mayers: hopes Facebook status updates are the new promise ring!!!

Week 6: Spartans Win!

It's about damned time!

Finally, not only do I win for the first time since week one, but I put up the highest point total of the week.

I'm still getting screwed by my opponent's record points scored each week (819 points against over 6 weeks), but for now at least... I'm not quite as pissed.

Ahh Spartans, you are the freaking wind beneath my wings. Sometimes, I know, I know… I know I don’t communicate how I feel when I scream: “You suck, or fucking bastards!”

You know that what I really mean is: “You golden champions, you must try harder and I believe in you. I have faith in you.”

Now I'll be facing off against Joey, my long-time ally in fantasy football. I can cope with a loss to Joey a lot better than I do other opponents.

I'm going to use this time to relax, take it all in and get some work done around the office. Rejoice my people, you've been spared a week of my complaining and whining!

Week 5: Fuck this! Someone else do an update!

This is how I feel!

Another fucking week where I get jammed by a record performance at the hands of another player, while mine fail to show up.

Do your own damned updates!

Week 4: FUUUUUUUUUUU

Fuck you Vic! And fuck the Rams for letting the Niners D score 44 points!

You've screwed me again!

Week 3: The (Championship) Hangover

I’m beginning to understand why repeating as a champion is so hard. Why so many teams aren’t hungry enough to pull off a second consecutive championship.

Last season I had 24 free agent pickups. Now I’m only at 1, and I’ll be amazed if I break into double digits.

The point is, I just don’t care enough to fight and claw and scramble my way to a victory each week. I can rest assured that my legacy is intact as one of the names on the front of the trophy (Only two spots left boys).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not conceding the season just yet (of course, only being 3 points shy of having the league high for most points scored against me isn’t helping my cause in the win column), I’m just saying that I have no desire to spend as much money as last season on free agents, to stay up late enough to grab them off the wire as soon as they become available.

If I can't win, I'm throwing all my support towards Rock. You heard me, ROCK!

No, I don't hate him any less (calm down Joey), I just hate Devin more. Can you imagine Rock's name on the championship trophy and Ginny's still being absent? Words cannot express the awesome!

Week 2: Joe Pro to Wadhams - "Take This!"

It would probably be funnier if I knew how to superimpose my face over Jay Cutler's

Well, it finally happened. After 14 consecutive victories and a fantasy football championship I finally lost. Fitting how the loss came one year after the winning streak began. I think what disappoints me more is the fact that I’m the first NFL team to post a loss.

Ah well, there’s worse tragedies in life.

On a separate note, I fear that my league manager’s updates won’t be as interesting or entertaining as last season when I was unemployed and had all night to surf the internet and come up with ideas. Having a job that requires me to wake up early has really fucked things up.

But anyway, congratulations to everyone who won, and on a side note, my early projections system has Rock beating me pretty badly this week. Just saying that now so if/when I lose I can say I saw it coming.
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P.S. Congratulations to Ginny on his boy's "fabulous" week in setting the single game completion percentage record. Well done, keep reaching for that rainbow!

Keeper List & Draft Order 2009

Alright, the keepers are in. And let me just say that these are not set in stone, we’ve always had an opt out feature in the event of an injury. So here’s the list, adjust your draft notes accordingly.

Timmy:

• Michael Turner, Atl RB
• Roddy White, Atl WR
• Peyton Manning, Ind QB
• Antonio Gates, SD TE

Rock:

• Maurice Jones-Drew, Jac RB
• Reggie Wayne, Ind WR
• Darren McFadden, Oak RB
• Matt Ryan, Atl QB

Urgie:

• Tom Brady, NE QB
• Anquan Boldin, Ari WR
• Wes Welker, NE WR
• DeSean Jackson, Phi WR

T-Smoke:

• Ronnie Brown, Mia RB
• Marshawn Lynch, Buf RB
• Terrell Owens, Buf WR

Joe Pro:

• Steven Jackson, StL RB
• Andre Johnson, Hou WR
• Greg Jennings, GB WR
• Philip Rivers, SD QB

Vic:

• LaDanian Tomlinson, SD RB
• Larry Fitzgerald, Ari WR
• T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Sea WR
• Donovan McNabb, Phi QB

Ginny:

• Matt Forte, Chi RB
• Randy Moss, NE WR
• Steve Slaton, Hou RB
• Kurt Warner, Ari QB

Joey:

• Chris Johnson, Ten RB
• Calvin Johnson, Det WR
• Steve Smith, Car WR
• Marion Barber, Dal RB

Spae:

• Frank Gore, SF RB
• Brian Westbrook, Phi RB
• Drew Brees, NO QB
• Pierre Thomas, NO RB

Wadhams:

• Adrian Peterson, Min RB
• DeAngelo Williams, Car RB
• Brandon Jacobs, NYG RB
• Dwayne Bowe, KC WR

Same gig as every year, the draft order is determined by the previous season's record. Playoff eliminations are determined by who had a better record, followed by regular season points scored.

1. Expansion Team 1
2. Expansion Team 2
3. Timmy – DNQ for Playoffs (3-10 Regular Season Record; 1297 Points For)
4. Rock – DNQ for Playoffs (4-9 Regular Season Record; 1194.5 Points For)
5. Urgie – DNQ for Playoffs (4-9 Regular Season Record; 1288 Points For)
6. T-Smoke – DNQ for Playoffs (5-8 Regular Season Record; 1289 Points For)
7. Joe Pro – Lost in 1st Round of Playoffs (7-6 Regular Season Record, 1380.5 Points for)
8. Vic – Lost in 1st Round of Playoffs (7-6 Regular Season Record, 1387 Points for)
9. Ginny – Lost in 2nd Round of Playoffs (7-6 Regular Season Record, 1492 Points for)
10. Joey – Lost in 2nd Round, Won 3rd Round game vs. Ginny (9-4 Regular Season Record, 1624.5 Points for)
11. Spae – Lost Championship Game
12. Wadhams – 2008 League Champion

Since everyone except T is keeping 4, here is how things will go:

1. Expansion Team 1*
2. Expansion Team 2
3. Expansion Team 1*
4. Expansion Team 2
5. Expansion Team 1*
6. Expansion Team 2
7. Expansion Team 1*
8. Expansion Team 2
9. T-Smoke
10. Expansion Team 1*
11. Expansion Team 2
12. Timmy
13. Rock
14. Urgie
15. T-Smoke
16. Joe Pro
17. Vic
18. Ginny
19. Joey
20. Spae
21. Wadhams

* - Denotes start of new round

From here on out, we’ll follow the draft order set forth in Round 5

The League Expansion

Rachel Phelps: Good morning, gentlemen. Welcome to another season of Underdogs Fantasy Football.

(The men applaud, but their hearts are barely in it)

Rachel Phelps: I know that it may not seem the same since I’m adding two teams this year, but I promise you by the end of the season this league will have made history.

(Several eyes roll up around the room)

Rachel Phelps: Unfortunately there are some in the press who feel that… “The ex-showgirl wife of Donald Phelps has no business being the owner of a fantasy football league.”

Rachel crumbles the paper and throws it away.

Rachel Phelps: The new season begins in two months.

(Throwing a sheet of paper on the table)

Here's the list of people we'll be inviting to camp this year.


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Wadhams: Who are these fuckin’ guys?!


Urgie: I never heard of half these guys. And the ones I do know are way past their prime.


Spae: Most of these guys never had a prime.


Joey: (pointing to the picture of McNair) This guy here is dead.

Rachel Phelps: Cross him off then.