Week 11: The Playoff Picture

With just two weeks left in the regular season, the playoffs are shaping up: Eliminated are:
Davie
Don
Wadhams

Those who have clinched a playoff spot are:
Timmy
Vic
Joe Pro

Needing one win to clinch:
Spae
Urgie

And with regard to the lowly XFL, odds are that whoever wins the division is the only one getting into the postseason.

As disappointing as it is for me to miss the playoffs, I can honestly say I would much rather be in the NFL and endure more difficult competition than to slum it up with the likes of the XFL crowd.

Week 10: The Fantasy Code

Sorry about the delay in the update, but I’ve been researching something. Something that all but guarantees with mathematical certainty who this year’s champion will be.

How did I come to this conclusion? What data could I possess that would support this claim? And most importantly: Who will win it all?

Well, first of all, those who know me best know that I find patterns in almost anything in life that is non sequitur. In this case, I was going across the league history when I discovered who will be the next league champion.

The answer: Spae

I present you with the following:

2004 – Bob Leising becomes champion after defeating Joey Slomba.
2005 – Joey Slomba becomes champion after defeating Tim Yaple
2006 – Tim Yaple becomes champion after defeating Jeffery Klumpp
2007 – Jeffrey Klumpp becomes champion after defeating Peter Mayers
2008 – Peter Mayers becomes champion after defeating Eric Klumpp

See a pattern yet?

It’s not like this is a couple of years in a row, we’re going back to 2004. Davie was still in High school, I had just moved to Florida, no one was married, O.J. was a free man. We’re only six weeks from 2010, this pattern of championships is sound. It’s all but a guarantee.

That is of course if Spae doesn’t completely tank. Realistically though, the only way I see this ending is if Joe Pro wins. The pattern all started with Bob Leising. If I were a Red Sox faggot, I would label this a curse, with the only remedy being the person who took over Bob’s team winning it all.

So I’m calling my shot now. Spae’s winning it.

Week 9: The Ultimate Tank Job

FACEPALM!!!

An open letter to Rock:

It seems that the doodle karma struck again. Remember serving Don up with the "Doodle Dance" Saturday night?

What was your lead up to at one point Rock? 70 points or so?

Congratulations, you found a way to make the 2004 ALCS Yankees look clutch!

Seriously though, tough break. It's not like you can control how things go, that's just the nature of Fantasy Football.

Well Rock, at least your pub picks and survivor pool...

Doodle Dance = The New Campbell's Chunky

Week 8: "Blow me! All of you!"

Well, that's it. I'm fucked!

It's over, and I can accept that. I'm not going to make the playoffs this year. I had a good run and now it's someone else's time to shine.

At least I got Ryan Moats off the free agent wire. Not that I need a running back, it's just that I had to make sure Ginny didn't get him to supplant his boy Slaton.

Yes, it's come to this again. I can't beat anyone else so I pick on Ginny for his shortcomings. Kind of like the kid at school who's father beats the hell out of him. Wishing he could fight back against his father, but just isn't big enough, he decides to pick on the weakest kid in school.

That's right Ginny, you're the league's bitch and you always will be until you win a championship!

The sweater photo will be mine! And once that happens, may God have mercy on your soul!

On a side note I'll be in Vegas this weekend. Penthouse at the Palms. No I'm not joking. In the words of Bender: "Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourself!"

Week 7: 'Godspeed, little doodle,'

Peter Mayers: is happy to see the doodle brought back down to earth!!!
Peter Mayers: thinks Rock angered the Fantasy Football Gods by serving Spae something fierce with that gay doodle dance in week 6!!!
Peter Mayers: thinks Rock should get a Twitter account so none of us can be deprived of his every waking thought ;)
Peter Mayers: would like to know why if he was never in the balloon, can the kid be called "Balloon Boy"???
Peter Mayers: believes Cyril Sneer to be the third most bad-ass cartoon supervillian of all time!!!

Peter Mayers: is pumped for the nationally televised UB game one week from tonight!
Peter Mayers: will continue to mock Rock's constant Facebook status updates until he sees fit to stop!!!
Peter Mayers: hopes Facebook status updates are the new promise ring!!!

Week 6: Spartans Win!

It's about damned time!

Finally, not only do I win for the first time since week one, but I put up the highest point total of the week.

I'm still getting screwed by my opponent's record points scored each week (819 points against over 6 weeks), but for now at least... I'm not quite as pissed.

Ahh Spartans, you are the freaking wind beneath my wings. Sometimes, I know, I know… I know I don’t communicate how I feel when I scream: “You suck, or fucking bastards!”

You know that what I really mean is: “You golden champions, you must try harder and I believe in you. I have faith in you.”

Now I'll be facing off against Joey, my long-time ally in fantasy football. I can cope with a loss to Joey a lot better than I do other opponents.

I'm going to use this time to relax, take it all in and get some work done around the office. Rejoice my people, you've been spared a week of my complaining and whining!

Week 5: Fuck this! Someone else do an update!

This is how I feel!

Another fucking week where I get jammed by a record performance at the hands of another player, while mine fail to show up.

Do your own damned updates!

Week 4: FUUUUUUUUUUU

Fuck you Vic! And fuck the Rams for letting the Niners D score 44 points!

You've screwed me again!

Week 3: The (Championship) Hangover

I’m beginning to understand why repeating as a champion is so hard. Why so many teams aren’t hungry enough to pull off a second consecutive championship.

Last season I had 24 free agent pickups. Now I’m only at 1, and I’ll be amazed if I break into double digits.

The point is, I just don’t care enough to fight and claw and scramble my way to a victory each week. I can rest assured that my legacy is intact as one of the names on the front of the trophy (Only two spots left boys).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not conceding the season just yet (of course, only being 3 points shy of having the league high for most points scored against me isn’t helping my cause in the win column), I’m just saying that I have no desire to spend as much money as last season on free agents, to stay up late enough to grab them off the wire as soon as they become available.

If I can't win, I'm throwing all my support towards Rock. You heard me, ROCK!

No, I don't hate him any less (calm down Joey), I just hate Devin more. Can you imagine Rock's name on the championship trophy and Ginny's still being absent? Words cannot express the awesome!

Week 2: Joe Pro to Wadhams - "Take This!"

It would probably be funnier if I knew how to superimpose my face over Jay Cutler's

Well, it finally happened. After 14 consecutive victories and a fantasy football championship I finally lost. Fitting how the loss came one year after the winning streak began. I think what disappoints me more is the fact that I’m the first NFL team to post a loss.

Ah well, there’s worse tragedies in life.

On a separate note, I fear that my league manager’s updates won’t be as interesting or entertaining as last season when I was unemployed and had all night to surf the internet and come up with ideas. Having a job that requires me to wake up early has really fucked things up.

But anyway, congratulations to everyone who won, and on a side note, my early projections system has Rock beating me pretty badly this week. Just saying that now so if/when I lose I can say I saw it coming.
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P.S. Congratulations to Ginny on his boy's "fabulous" week in setting the single game completion percentage record. Well done, keep reaching for that rainbow!

Keeper List & Draft Order 2009

Alright, the keepers are in. And let me just say that these are not set in stone, we’ve always had an opt out feature in the event of an injury. So here’s the list, adjust your draft notes accordingly.

Timmy:

• Michael Turner, Atl RB
• Roddy White, Atl WR
• Peyton Manning, Ind QB
• Antonio Gates, SD TE

Rock:

• Maurice Jones-Drew, Jac RB
• Reggie Wayne, Ind WR
• Darren McFadden, Oak RB
• Matt Ryan, Atl QB

Urgie:

• Tom Brady, NE QB
• Anquan Boldin, Ari WR
• Wes Welker, NE WR
• DeSean Jackson, Phi WR

T-Smoke:

• Ronnie Brown, Mia RB
• Marshawn Lynch, Buf RB
• Terrell Owens, Buf WR

Joe Pro:

• Steven Jackson, StL RB
• Andre Johnson, Hou WR
• Greg Jennings, GB WR
• Philip Rivers, SD QB

Vic:

• LaDanian Tomlinson, SD RB
• Larry Fitzgerald, Ari WR
• T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Sea WR
• Donovan McNabb, Phi QB

Ginny:

• Matt Forte, Chi RB
• Randy Moss, NE WR
• Steve Slaton, Hou RB
• Kurt Warner, Ari QB

Joey:

• Chris Johnson, Ten RB
• Calvin Johnson, Det WR
• Steve Smith, Car WR
• Marion Barber, Dal RB

Spae:

• Frank Gore, SF RB
• Brian Westbrook, Phi RB
• Drew Brees, NO QB
• Pierre Thomas, NO RB

Wadhams:

• Adrian Peterson, Min RB
• DeAngelo Williams, Car RB
• Brandon Jacobs, NYG RB
• Dwayne Bowe, KC WR

Same gig as every year, the draft order is determined by the previous season's record. Playoff eliminations are determined by who had a better record, followed by regular season points scored.

1. Expansion Team 1
2. Expansion Team 2
3. Timmy – DNQ for Playoffs (3-10 Regular Season Record; 1297 Points For)
4. Rock – DNQ for Playoffs (4-9 Regular Season Record; 1194.5 Points For)
5. Urgie – DNQ for Playoffs (4-9 Regular Season Record; 1288 Points For)
6. T-Smoke – DNQ for Playoffs (5-8 Regular Season Record; 1289 Points For)
7. Joe Pro – Lost in 1st Round of Playoffs (7-6 Regular Season Record, 1380.5 Points for)
8. Vic – Lost in 1st Round of Playoffs (7-6 Regular Season Record, 1387 Points for)
9. Ginny – Lost in 2nd Round of Playoffs (7-6 Regular Season Record, 1492 Points for)
10. Joey – Lost in 2nd Round, Won 3rd Round game vs. Ginny (9-4 Regular Season Record, 1624.5 Points for)
11. Spae – Lost Championship Game
12. Wadhams – 2008 League Champion

Since everyone except T is keeping 4, here is how things will go:

1. Expansion Team 1*
2. Expansion Team 2
3. Expansion Team 1*
4. Expansion Team 2
5. Expansion Team 1*
6. Expansion Team 2
7. Expansion Team 1*
8. Expansion Team 2
9. T-Smoke
10. Expansion Team 1*
11. Expansion Team 2
12. Timmy
13. Rock
14. Urgie
15. T-Smoke
16. Joe Pro
17. Vic
18. Ginny
19. Joey
20. Spae
21. Wadhams

* - Denotes start of new round

From here on out, we’ll follow the draft order set forth in Round 5

The League Expansion

Rachel Phelps: Good morning, gentlemen. Welcome to another season of Underdogs Fantasy Football.

(The men applaud, but their hearts are barely in it)

Rachel Phelps: I know that it may not seem the same since I’m adding two teams this year, but I promise you by the end of the season this league will have made history.

(Several eyes roll up around the room)

Rachel Phelps: Unfortunately there are some in the press who feel that… “The ex-showgirl wife of Donald Phelps has no business being the owner of a fantasy football league.”

Rachel crumbles the paper and throws it away.

Rachel Phelps: The new season begins in two months.

(Throwing a sheet of paper on the table)

Here's the list of people we'll be inviting to camp this year.


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Wadhams: Who are these fuckin’ guys?!


Urgie: I never heard of half these guys. And the ones I do know are way past their prime.


Spae: Most of these guys never had a prime.


Joey: (pointing to the picture of McNair) This guy here is dead.

Rachel Phelps: Cross him off then.

Week 16: Huh?

Wow, so many people to thank. So many people to apologize to. Let’s take things from the top.

First off… I really don’t know how to respond to this. I went to a university who’s football program was the punchline for every e-mail on the Jim Rome show regarding College Football futility. And when UB won the MAC Championship earlier this month, I was at a loss on how to react.

Simply put, dealing with winning is a new concept for me so please bear with me if I’m not responding properly.

Second, sleep was the cure. On Saturday night after the Sabres got fucked by the refs in Montreal, I left the Aud with two fantasy points to my name. When I got home, I checked the website and saw I was up to three (count em’) three points from Tony Romo with only about a quarter to play. Spae had already put up 20 points on a count of Dallas Clark’s Thursday night performance. Needless to say I was dejected after resigning myself to another year of losing in the championship game, so I just went to sleep around 11:00.

When I woke up I began thinking about how I was going to blame my misfortunes on Romo or the NFL schedule yielding a better matchup for Spae. Much to my surprise, Romo had put up 19 more points for me as I slept.

Fast forward to Sunday. Spae is beating me by almost 50 points going into the Giants/Panthers night game. Bear in mind that I’ve been up since 2:00AM and have been drinking XXX, so needless to say, I’m drunk and obnoxious. After resigning myself once again to a loss, I pass out on Rock’s couch.

Waking up at 3:00AM, I look at the website and see that between Brandon Jacobs & DeAngelo Williams, they combined to give me 195 yards rushing and 7 touchdowns!

And that’s how Wadhams won his first Fantasy Football Championship. I’ve been playing since 1998 & this was the first time I managed to win it all. So now “The Nigger Hating Dolphins” will be forever immortalized on the trophy.

In closing, Rock, Joe Pro & Vic are the last of the group to submit the entry fee. I paid Joey & Spae already so no rush, just get me the money please when you have the chance. I tallied up the acquisition fees as well. Remember this money is going to pay for the limo ride up to Canada.

Wadhams: Donating $300 of winnings to the limo
Joe Pro: $8
Ginny: $20
Vic: $7
Spae: $9
Urgie: $10
Timmy: $6
Rock: $55
Joey: $9
T-Smoke: $25

The grand total comes out to $449. I’m still exploring the options, but that would get us 8 hours in a 10 man limo at Buffalo Limousine.

Lastly, here's the final draft order for next season:

1. Timmy
2. Rock
3. Urgie
4. T-Smoke
5. Joe Pro (Regular Season 7-6, 1380.5 Points for)
6. Vic (Regular Season 7-6, 1387 Points for)
7. Ginny (Regular Season 7-6, 1492 Points for)
8. Joey (Regular Season 9-4, 1624.5 Points for)
9. Spae (Lost Championship Game)
10. Wadhams (2008 League Champion)

Congratulations on another great year. Hopefully you’ll join Joey & I in our NASCAR league starting in February, if not… till our fantasy fortunes meet again next fall.

Fixczer Delivers

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Wadhams: "This blogspot account is erasing all my previous posts as soon as I put a new one up!"


Fry:“Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it… fix it, fix it, fix
it!”

(Door Flies Open)


Professor Farnsworth: "Good News Everyone! I've discovered the source of your website's problems. Oh my, yes. You see, the template you're using contains code that scrambles and deletes everything new you post. Simply choose a new template, and you'll be free to add all your league manager notes that were previously rejected."

Fry: "Thanks Professor"

Week 15: The Tricky Two

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I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate Ginny on a game well fought. I can honestly say that Sunday was the best Fantasy Football Semi-Final I've been involved in. The teams were evenly matched and the lead changed hands too many times to recall. In the end, I was lucky enough to get away with the win. Let's be honest, I dodged a loss better than George Bush dodges Pokemon.



So what does this all mean? Well, first of all, I'm not going to shit talk Ginny about his loss. It was a game that could've easily gone either way. DeAngelo Williams' 56 yard TD run helped boost me, and there were several occasions where teams scored rushing touchdowns with the other running back than the one in our lineup. And second, I'm moving Ginny out of the enemies category and placing him at the bottom of the "meh" pile. Mostly out of pitty, but partially out of respect for his play.

But don't think this is a permanent fixture as Ginny was awfully vocal when his players wound up scoring. Wad doesn't forget when people delight in his misfortunes.

With that out of the way, I can now focus on the Championship game.
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This was a picture taken by Matt Cherry on my camera phone at the Bills - Jets game back in 2003. The inaugural year of the Underdogs Fantasy Football League. Back then Spae & I went head to head in a contest where I was bested.

Best friends forced to do battle once more...


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Now I know I say this a lot, but I'm pretty sure Spae is going to beat me this week. Because with Spae's boys Drew Brees & Pierre Thomas going up against the fucking Detriot Lions Defense, it kind of paints the picture of a monster point output for the Legends.

Not to mention the fact that my boy Romo is going up against Ed Reed & the Baltimore Defense (my defense), it creates a massive conflict of interest.

All things considered, the NFL matchups do not bode well for my chances of seeing "The Nigger Hating Dolphins" immortalized on the trophy.
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Finally, here's the revised draft order:

1. Timmy
2. Rock
3. Urgie
4. T-Smoke
5. Joe Pro (Regular Season 7-6, 1380.5 Points for)
6. Vic (Regular Season 7-6, 1387 Points for)
-. Ginny (Regular Season 7-6, 1492 Points for)*
-. Joey (Regular Season 9-4, 1624.5 Points for)*
*Winner of the matchup will receive $100 & the 8th place draft pick.

Week 14: The Final Four

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Well, with Joe Pro & Vic the first casualties of the post season, the revised draft order for 2009 is now:

1. Timmy
2. Rock
3. Urgie
4. T-Smoke
5. Joe Pro (Regular Season 7-6, 1380.5 Points for)
6. Vic (Regular Season 7-6, 1387 Points for)

That's right, only 6.5 regular season points separated Vic and Joe Pro.

One thing I found interesting was that the teams ranked 1-4 are playing each other.

I'm not doing more for this update mostly because I'm burned out due to lack of sleep, poor diet & no exercise. All things considered, I can honestly say that I am ready to come back from Florida.

Week 13: If something's gonna happen in the playoffs, it's gotta happen now.

Look, if you had one shot — one opportunity — to take an illegal handgun into a night club, then shoot yourself in the leg to jeopardize your multi-million-dollar contract, at which point you spend 90 minutes trying to find a hospital that will treat your wound discreetly, then give that hospital a fake name and say the incident happened at an Applebee’s…

One moment.

Would you capture it… or just let it slip?
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Well, the playoffs are here once again. It seems like just yesterday that we were on the back of Ginny's deck undermining each other's confidence with their picks. That being said, it's all meaningless now. Joey & I scored a first round bye each, and I've got to be honest, I'm not pleased with the idea of having to play Vic or Ginny next week. Be that as it may, it's just the way things go.

Now that the four teams have been eliminated, here is how the beginning of next year's draft will go.

1. Timmy
2. Rock
3. Urgie
4. T-Smoke

Good luck to the remaining six teams.

Week 12: Rock Returning to Form

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Rock trying to kick down the self-imposed wall of fantasy football mediocrity



Well boys, light the cigars and pop the top on that $3.99 bottle of J. Roget Spumante because Rock has once again missed the playoffs. Having gone 4-9 the last two seasons and 3-10 back in 2004, the best case scenario awaiting The Dragons at this point is a third consecutive 4 win season.

In a league where 60% of the owners make it to the playoffs, Rock has found a way of mathematically guaranteeing the rest of us that we will have a 67% chance. This of course is based simply on the fact that he is in our league.

I am a man of few words, but this is by far the best part of the fantasy season. The inevitable time when we look to the trainwreck of a roster that has been assembled at Sebastian Drive, and feel better about ourselves.

Also, on a side note, the blogspot page is fucked (blogspot fucking up? That’s unpossible). Any time I try and make a new post, it causes all the previous ones to disappear. I’m still keeping the archives in a MS Word file, awaiting a date when I can fix this problem.

Finally, since there are conflicting desires for the Canada trip, I figure it’s up to Joe Pro and I to make it happen.

Week 11: Nothing Left But Fantasy

Sorry about the delay in the update, but I’ve been having trouble updating the blogspot account to maintain the archive. Plus the game last night took a lot out of me so I’ve spent most of the day relaxing and reviewing things for my 2nd interview with John Hancock Financial this Thursday.

I’ll keep things quick:

1. With regard to the playoffs, Timmy was officially eliminated from playoff contention this week, and Rock still clings to life. Though he’ll have to win out, have Urgie, Ginny & T lose out, and wind up scoring more season points than Ginny.

With only two weeks remaining in the regular season, it’ll be interesting to see how things pan out.
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2. Only Urgie has paid the $100 league fee. I’m not saying the money has to start coming in immediately, especially with the holidays on deck. As long as the moneys are allocated by the time a champion has been crowned, everything will be fine. I just wanted to take this opportunity to remind you guys.
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3. At some point this week, I’m going to look into pricing for the party bus at the end of the season. Just a heads up, unless I’m mistaken, a trip to Canada requires a passport or birth certificate to gain entrance back into the U.S. So that should be something to think about.
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4. Please vote in the poll, or let me know which tentative date would be preferred for the Canada excursion.

Week 10: Saved by 128 Points

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First things first. I can no longer remain silent on this subject, these Toyota “Saved By Zero” commercials are fucking killing me! No matter how good a mood I’m in (or bad lately on a count of the Bills play), this commercial coming on during the game always brings my spirits to a new low.

I never thought I’d see the day where I longed for Chevy commercials featuring John Mellencamp’s “This is our country” or Dodge’s “Rock em’ Sock em’ Robots”. Hell, at this point I’d even take Ford’s ad campaign with (in Joey’s words), “Toby Keith pointing his chubby redneck finger at me”

Seriously, any desire I had to purchase a Toyota as my next vehicle (partially as a Kyle Busch fan, but mostly due to great gas mileage and low maintenance) died with these commercials.

I mean, of all the fucking songs to pick from, Toyota chose a song by the Fixx? Not even their biggest hit of “One thing leads to another”, but some second tier single that’s over a quarter of a century old.

In case you haven’t watched the video by now, it’s a voice overlay of the commercial that in my opinion is a vast improvement, and a lot more honest to boot.
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Secondly, I feel kind of responsible for Joey’s collapse and Rock’s unforeseeable explosion in scoring.

While I thank you Joey for answering my call to return to shit-talking Rock on the message board, in retrospect it seems it was a recipe for tempting fate. Kind of like when McCain announced Palin as his running mate and Ginny exclaimed “He’s gonna win!”. Or O.J. having an acquittal party planned for after the trial was over (please Obama, do the right thing and pardon O.J.)

Once Ben Stewart put up 42 points, all that remained was a coup de gras on the Dragons (it means a death blow intended to end the suffering of a wounded creature). However, due to the overwhelming odds being in Joey’s favor, the circumstances were ripe for an upset. So congratulations Rock, I’m sure you can take this away as one of the bright spots of an otherwise dismal season. And hey, don’t worry Joey, being in the XFL you could probably lose out and still clinch a first round bye.

Week 9: The Dead Zone

Where did everyone go? Where’s the hatred toward Ginny? The cheap shots at Rock? The horrid decisions to start the wrong people?

It seems like everything has dried up. There’s no more material for me to work with. I mean, how many times can I make fun of Rock’s team? Without fresh hatred spewing forth from the owners, all I am relegated to is recycling old puns and obvious low blows.

Seriously, I haven’t talked to Joe Pro since Rock’s wedding. That’s been a month. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not badmouthing you Joe Pro, it’s just that I can still remember the drunken insults being slung at everyone during the owner’s meeting last January. Joey, where’s the “Pope Fuckers” challenge of 2008?

It’s no big deal though. This is the “down time” of the fantasy season. The home stretch of the regular season really doesn’t hold much excitement. Most of the lines have stabilized and the playoff picture is starting to shape up. So I think I’ll just take this week off, and hope things pick up soon.

Week 8: Wad Explains the Outcomes

Well, drink it in Rock. Even though the Legends put up the highest point total for the week in defeating the Dragons, it was still a moral victory for the Rock as he covered the over by putting up 81 points. That puts his season's average point output at 82.25.
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I was able to defeat Ginny this week due largely in part to the fact that I started Baltimore's D. If there's nothing else to be taken away from this past week, it's that Hines Ward & Ben Roethlisberger will underperform when they have large bounties placed on their head. I'll end my critique of the game here as I've probably already said too much.
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In I love Mr. Denny news, with the dire situation at quarterback, the Bovines had no problem getting a win this week. Terrell Owens was devastated to learn that Carson Palmer is done for the rest of the season. Always the attention whore, T.O. decided to take advantage of the bad news by endorsing his new brand of whiny bitch Kleenex.


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The Shockers & the Swayze's faced off with the Shockers emerging victorious. Since neither team has been heard from in weeks, I'll just leave the recap at that.
___________________________________________________
Joey wound up beating Vic with a little help from the Chunky. Still doubt the effects of the curse on your boy Tomlinson, Vic?



After the game Santonio Holmes issued an apology letter to team owner Joseph Slomba. In it he denied any wrongdoing with his recent arrest for marijuana possession. Among the reasons Holmes cited for his innocence are:

-The arresting officer was a Giants fan and he planted the drugs to take him out of this weeks game.

-Ray Lewis & Terrell Suggs said that if he didn't get high with them, they would put a bounty on his head too.

-The weed that they confiscated was dirt weed. Santonio only smokes stickiest of the icky.

-He fell prey to an e-mail scam disguised as a letter from Roger Goodell saying weed no longer is against NFL rules.

-He didn't realize that he was driving Bam Morris’ car.



and what I personally believe to be the case-cracker:

-If he doesn't have the hand eye coordination to catch a ball, how can he roll a blunt?

Week 7: Lord Hear Wad's Prayer

First of all, there’s no way I can top last week’s update so I’m not even gonna try. Besides, I’d like to take a break from the hate and insults so I can reflect on just how good things are right now in the realm of sports.
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Lord, if you’re listening, I have but one humble request: Please freeze time in the sports world at this very minute, because right now things cannot get any better.

For those who know my personality, you're probably aware of the fact that I always think the grass is greener on the other side of the hill. When the future holds multiple possibilities, it’s the greatest feeling in the world. Well as of right now, there is a legitimate chance (in every sport I care about) for a team I love/really like to win it all.

Fantasy Football
-My fantasy football team is leading the conference, and I'm second only to Joey.

Football
-Now we’ve got the Bills leading the AFC East at 5-1
-Tom Brady is injured, and his surgically repaired knee is infected
-Rodney Harrison’s career is over
-The AFC is WIDE open. Think about it. Can you say there is no way the Bills can win the conference with __________ standing in their way?
-The Cowboys are tanking
-The Patriots are strug-a-ling

College Football
-I’ve been an Alabama fan since the early 90’s and had to endure scandals and recruiting violations that have kept them largely uncompetitive since going to the National Championship in 1994 when they lost to Nebraska. Now they’re #2 in the AP and Coach’s Poll

Hockey
-The NHL’s underway and the Sabres are off to a great start at 4-0-1
-Vanek’s leading the NHL in goals

Baseball
-The Rays are in the World Series (While I’m not a Ray’s fan, I’m definitely glad they’re playing for the championship instead of one of the usual teams)
-The Red Sox and Yankees are finished for the year

Basketball
-Basketball hasn’t started yet (Sorry Klumpps). But I like being able to watch Sportscenter without seeing some corn-rowed darkie jungle it up.

NASCAR
-The Chase is coming to a close & if Kyle Busch can’t win, I’m definitely glad to see Jimmie Johnson take his third consecutive title.

So drink it in. Even if things aren’t going as well for you as they are for me, I’m sure you can find a lot on this list to be happy about.

Week 6: The Story of Rock's First Win

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Well Rock got his first win of the season and surprisingly enough, it was against Ginny. In celebration of this occasion, I figured I’d take the time to give you a play by play account of the events that led to the victory.
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Sunday October 5th: Rock’s House


Tim: Yee-haw! Listen Rock, I’ve got to catch my flight back to Florida, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re due for a win. And I’ll be damned if you’re not gonna beat the tar out of Ginny next week. He’s ripe for an upset, and if anyone can do it… it’s you!
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Sunday October 12th: Aruba



Rock: Ahh, another day in paradise on my honeymoon with my beautiful wife.

*ring, ring* ... *ring, ring*

Rock: You got Rock!



Spae: What's up, what's up, what's up in the hizzie? Hey Maurice Jones-Drew just rushed for 125 yards and scored two touchdowns!



Rock: Ahh, bless my Irish soul. This could finally be the Dragons' week!

Spae: Well, you left him on your bench in favor of Chris Chambers... who scored you 0 points.



*THUD*

Rock: ...

Spae: Anyway, thanks for letting me borrow the Bills mobile while you're gone. I'm gonna go out now and run amok

*Click*
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Monday October 13: Aruba

Rock: Fucking Ginny! As soon as I get back to Buffalo, I'm going to whoop his cranked up ass with my shillelagh. Or in lieu of said shillelagh, Jay Cutler's Diabetes stick!


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Interior of Ginny’s compound on Lockport-Olcott road



Ginny: Damn I'm good! First Kasey Kahne comes in 2nd at Lowe's, the Sabres are 2-0 & Trent Edwards, Roscoe Parrish & Ko Simpson return to the Bills lineup just in time for San Diego. I'm telling you there is NOTHING that can stop this sports streak of luck that I'm on!
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Meanwhile across town, an evil plan is being hatched

Willow Street



T-Smoke: Wadhams, I have been scheming. If I am to help Rock defeat Ginny this week, I'm going to have to ensure that Rock's piss poor 3rd pick (7th overall) Derek Anderson actually succeeds for once. With Kellen Winslow's mystery illness (aka: Wally Nuts) keeping him quarantined, I'll have to turn to my boy.



T-Smoke: That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to supply him with this anti-4 dropped passes per game, 1 of which would be for a touchdown elixir!



T-Smoke: Not even the NFL's 4th ranked defense stands a chance now!



Braylon Edwards: Thanks T!
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Interior: Ginny's Lair – Watching the game with great desperation



Ginny: Damn it! That's the end of the 3rd quarter and my lead on Rock has been reduced to only half a point!



Braylon Edwards catches his second touchdown pass of the game from Derek Anderson on the first play of the 4th quarter.



Ginny: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[Door Flies Open]



T-Smoke: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

[Door Flies Open]



Rock: DRINK IT IN GINNY!!!

[Door Flies Open]



Joey: Yo-BOOTY!!!
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Present Day



Rock: Yeahhhh!!! Dragonnnnss!!!

Ginny: Damn it Rock, let it go already.