Destiny Motherfucker! Don't Fight It!

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I called my shot back in August. I knew four months ago that my roster was by far the best in the league. What I didn't know was how easy it would be claiming my third championship in the last eight seasons.

Hell, I was so sure of myself that I threw away my first pick on Joseph Randle!

Many of you thought I couldn't do it. Some of you probably laughed at the notion that I could claim victory before the draft even took place. I even overheard Rock say: "Three Time Champion no more." over at Devin's last week when Doug Baldwin caught his first of two touchdowns.

Want to know what happened next? Destiny Motherfucker! I got a combined 80 points from David Johnson and Antonio Brown which propelled me into the championship game (getting the trophy was nothing more than a formality at that point).

So enjoy the off-season. I'll be back in the fall to defend my title as "The First Back to Back Champion"

Finally, here's the draft order for 2016:

1. T-Smoke (Regular Season: 3-10, 1289.5 Points for)
2. Don (Regular Season: 4-9, 1264.5 Points for)
3. Urgie (Regular Season: 4-9, 1278 Points for)
4. Spae (Regular Season: 5-8, 1411 Points for)
5. B-Shorts (Regular Season: 6-7, 1285 Points for)
6. Vic (Regular Season: 7-6, 1379.5 Points for)
7. Joey (Regular Season: 7-6, 1524 Points for)
8. Joe Pro (Regular Season: 8-5, 1518.5 Points for)
9. Rock (Lost Consolation Game)
10. Davie (Won Consolation Game)
11. Devin (Lost Championship Game)
12. Wadhams (2015 Champion)

The 2015 Championship: Wad vs. Ginny

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I suppose it was always destined to be this way... the 2013 league champion versus the 2014 league champion.

I try to be a good person, I really do. But I've come to accept that fantasy football brings out the worst in me. No matter how good of friends I am with someone, when it comes to my opponent each week, I can only seem to muster contempt and disgust for them. Which is weird because most of the time I'll gladly displace myself if it will help those I'm closest to in any way.

Not when it comes to fantasy football. No, I have no friends. Just people who stand between me and the ultimate goal.

That's why I don't think Devin and I should be in the same place this weekend since I'm certain his attitude isn't that far behind mine when it comes to matters such as this.

Here's the revised draft order for 2016:

1. T-Smoke (Regular Season: 3-10, 1289.5 Points for)
2. Don (Regular Season: 4-9, 1264.5 Points for)
3. Urgie (Regular Season: 4-9, 1278 Points for)
4. Spae (Regular Season: 5-8, 1411 Points for)
5. B-Shorts (Regular Season: 6-7, 1285 Points for)
6. Vic (Regular Season: 7-6, 1379.5 Points for)
7. Joey (Regular Season: 7-6, 1524 Points for)
8. Joe Pro (Regular Season: 8-5, 1518.5 Points for)

Week 13: MORTAL KOMBAT!

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Another playoff season is upon us, so here's the draft order for 2016:

1. T-Smoke (Regular Season: 3-10, 1289.5 Points for)
2. Don (Regular Season: 4-9, 1264.5 Points for)
3. Urgie (Regular Season: 4-9, 1278 Points for)
4. Spae (Regular Season: 5-8, 1411 Points for)
5. B-Shorts (Regular Season: 6-7, 1285 Points for)
6. Vic (Regular Season: 7-6, 1379.5 Points for)

Right now I'm doing the math before anything official comes through from ESPN, but it looks like this is how things will go. Any changes that need to be made will be done so accordingly.

Week 12: Lock It Up

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If I may paraphrase Mark Twain: "the report of my fantasy football death was an exaggeration."

It looks like Gronk is only expected to miss the next two games. And this works out perfect since I already locked up a bye (thank you B-Shorts for taking down Vic) and he'll return in time for my first playoff game.

I can still lock up the #1 seed with a victory next week combined with a Rock loss. Either way, I don't care. Joe Pro would have to have an epic collapse to not get the division win secure the #3 spot.

Sorry Don, T-Smoke, Urgie, and Spae, but you guys are officially eliminated from the post-season this year.

Joey, Devin, and Vic all control their destiny. If they win this week, they'll make the playoffs.

The bubble teams are Davie and B-Shorts who will not only need to win, but also to get some help.

Remember that overall record determines your position, and the first tiebreaker is the amount of points scored during the regular season.

Week 11: Surprise Update #4: The Urgie Trade Rule

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Urgie has a track record of making horrible trades, and I'm putting that as lightly as I can. As a rule, I've stated in the past that I don't like to intervene on trades unless they're just too one-sided. The only occasions where I thought about putting the kibosh on a deal was when Urgie was one of the parties involved.

This led me to instate the "Urgie Trade Rule". What this means is that each member of the league is allowed one AND ONLY ONE trade with Urgie where they completely fantasy rape his roster.

T-Smoke used his when he picked up Aaron Rodgers for a draft pick, and Devin used his this season by getting Greg Olsen for Peyton Manning.

The remaining nine league members still have their "Urgie screwing trade" available. Props to Rock for trying to cash his in this season with his attempt to lift Todd Gurley off the roster.

Once all 11 other members have used their "robbing Urgie blind" free pass, then things will reset and everyone will be able to once again "jam Urgie up".

Week 10: Spae's Resurgence

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Ever see the movie: "Go"?

It was released back in 1999 and starred Katie Holmes when she was still hot. Before years of Scientology, Tom Cruise, and a plethora of horrible decisions consigned her to the trash heap of "once promising young Hollywood starlets who ruined their career/life"

Well, there was a scene where a bouncer at the Crazy Horse Too (not a typo) got shot in the arm, and as his father stitched up the wound, he imparted this wisdom upon his son:

"You know what wakes me up in the middle of the night covered in a cold sweat? Knowing that you aren't any worse than anyone else in your whole screwed up generation. In the old days, you know how you got to the top? Huh? By being better than the guy ahead of you. How do you people get to the top? By being so fucking incompetent, that the guy ahead of you can't do his job, so he falls on his ass and congratulations, you are now on top. And now the top is down here, it used to be up here... and you don't even know the fucking difference."

That kind of sums up how Spae's team has managed to turn things around this year. Allow me to elucidate:

DeAngelo Williams: Williams managed only 2.5 points over the course of the five weeks when Le'Veon Bell was starting. Compare that with the 96 points he's tallied during the games Bell has been out and you've got a fantasy running back who's value has skyrocketed based on the fact that the guy in front of him was unable to stay healthy.

Chandrick West: West had 8.5 points over the first six weeks of 2015. Then like clockwork, Mr. Glass (aka Jamal Charles) goes down for the season. Of course West has amassed 72.5 points in his last three games.

James Starks: Eddie Lacey's ineptitude combined with his groin injury paved the way for local boy Starks to become the Packers' primary back. In his first five games, Starks got a combined 25 points. Put that up against the 62.5 he's posted in the last four and you've got a running back who has more than doubled his point output.

Now to be fair, Spae picked Williams on draft day, and West was the backup to his boy Charles. Still, these running backs wouldn't be in the position they are today if it weren't for the ineptitude and injury prone nature of the guys ahead of them on the depth chart.

So cheers to Spae, having fantasy football incompetency work in his favor for a change.

Week 9: Surprise Update #3: Stupid Trade

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Maybe it's because I don't like the idea of being forced to do an update each week. Maybe it's an attempt to get more traffic to the archive page. But whatever the reason, I'm enjoying the fact that this season I'm creating posts on the blogspot account that don't appear on our league's front page.

This week I'd like to weigh in on a one-sided and downright stupid trade between Urgie & Ginny.

Yes, Urgie traded for Peyton Manning, giving up Greg Olsen in the process.

In other words, Urgie wanted to get his hands on the 28th ranked QB, (while still having Drew Brees on his roster?!), in exchange for the 4th ranked TE.

Manning managed to score a whopping -7 points this week en route to another injury.

Urgie, it's moves like this that have kept you from winning a championship during the tenure of the 13 years this league has existed.

I'd like to find some sort of logic behind the though process that was involved but sadly, it eludes me.

My attitude as commissioner when it comes to trades is to take a hands off approach unless the terms of the bargain are found to be egregious. The logic being that I don't want to be standing over everyone telling them what the can and cannot do. We're all grown men, we should be able to make competent decisions without people monitoring our actions.

While this didn't exactly qualify as "egregious", it came damn close.

But in the grand scheme of things, it isn't as bad as it could've been. Urgie had the sense to tell Rock to pound dirt when he tried to fleece him out of Gurley.
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Pointless Update Five: Futurama Technology

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Anyone who has spent more than five minutes around me knows that a majority of my dialogue comes from three TV shows: Seinfeld, The Simpsons, and Futurama.

Futurama is the show people are probably least familiar with, but I can tell you that you're missing out if you don't watch it regularly.

The series takes place in the year 3000 and as you might expect, it contains futuristic technology the likes of which would be great today. So I compiled a list of the top five Futurama technologies I wish existed right now.

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5. Universal Translator

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How it existed on the show:

Professor Farnsworth intended for it to be able to translate every language which was currently in use. However, because of a malfunction, it could only translate words into an unknown and long-dead language, which is revealed to be French.

Why it would be great:

For anyone who has traveled to an area of the world where people spoke a different language, communication can be difficult. Using an interpreter always leaves the possibility of your words being intentionally changed.

While technology like this isn't that far off, the universal translator seems like a more practical form of communication than an app on your phone.
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4. The F-Ray

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How it existed on the show:

The F-Ray emitted a neutrino beam which allowed the ray's user to see through anything, including metal; because of this, it was even more powerful than an X-Ray.

Why it would be great:

Aside from the superhero ability to see through walls and spy on people, the medical applications would be the real benefit.

An F-Ray could be used to see cancers, tumors, muscle or skeletal damage without the need to go to a hospital or sit in an MRI machine.
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3. What-If Machine

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How it existed on the show:

The What-If Machine was another invention created by Professor Farnsworth. The device resembled a television set, and could predict the outcome of any "What if?" phrased question, though it can only do this three times a year. The machine is made of gold and the method of activating it is never the same.

Why it would be great:

There are so many questions I would love to have answered. What would my life have been like if my parents actually bought their first house on Campbell boulevard and I went to Starpoint instead of Newfane? What would have happened if the Axis powers won World War II?

It could put an end so so much conjecture. The act of debating about the outcome of anything would be put to rest once and for all.
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2. Empathy Chip

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How it existed on the show:

An Empathy Chip was a microchip created by Professor Farnsworth. It was used on robots so that they could feel the emotions of the beings they were interacting with.

Why it would be great:

Ever hear the expression: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about."? Well this invention would put any questions like that away for good.

Personally, I'd just like for other people to know what it feels like to be me for about 5 minutes, maybe then people would stop hassling me for my life choices.
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1. Death Clock

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How it existed on the show:

The Death Clock was a device invented by Professor Farnsworth. When someone placed their finger inside the hole on top, the clock made a sound and printed a small read-out that displayed the future "death-date" for that person. It does however have a margin of error of a few seconds, "What with free will and all...."

Why it would be great:

I know a lot of people would be scared to know when they are going to die, but not me.

Aside from the fact that I hate uncertainty, I could map out the rest of my life to allow me the ability to experience everything I want.

Think about it, no one would have to work until a specified retirement age any longer, they'd only have to work until they have enough money to support themselves up to their death.

For example: Let's say I'm set to die at 70 years old like my grandfather. I'd figure out the things I want to do and determine how much money I'll need. I'll probably stop earning money around 60, then budget my finances for travel from the age of 60-65. My last half decade will be spent with friends and family.

Then, here's the best part, I'll start doing drugs throughout my last year of life. I'll kick things off with cocaine, meth, and crack, and in the last six months I'll finish up with opiates. If I overdose, who cares? I'm on the last leg of life's journey as it is.

I just think knowing when your time is up would force you to live life to it's fullest in a way that isn't possible when you're in the dark as to when you'll die.

Pointless Update Four: Top 5 Fantasy Running Backs Since 1998

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In the interest of bringing the updates back to the topic of fantasy football (don't worry, I won't be discussing my political views anytime soon), I decided to talk about who I think are the top five fantasy running backs since 1998. Why 1998? Because that's when I first began playing fantasy football.

Just a caveat, this list is based on my opinion, and by no means am I trying to pretend that this is the final word on who was the greatest during that time.

My criteria is based on touchdowns, point output, and longevity. So without further ado, I give you... the candy lineup (Seinfeld reference only Don will probably get).
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5. Clinton Portis

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When our league first began, he was one of the top two backs to be drafted. His best years were easily the two seasons he spent in Denver. Things kind of slowed down for him once he got traded to the Redskins, but he manages to get the #5 spot simply because he was one of the steadier backs of the 2000's. He finished no worse than eleventh six times from 2002-2008, including No. 4 finishes at the position in 2002 and 2007.
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4. Shaun Alexander

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Timmy's boy. Yes B-Shorts, your roster once had the biggest running back as a mainstay. Alexander averaged almost 20 touchdowns-per-season over a five-year stretch between 2001 & 2005, including 48 TD's between 2004 & 2005. He wasn't much of a threat for catching the ball, but this was before PPR came into play.

He also finished in the top six among running backs between 2001-2005, including 2 No. 1 finishes at the position in 2004 and 2005. He also finished with 1,880 rushing yards and 27 touchdowns in 2005, before his production declined.
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3. Adrian Peterson

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Maybe I'm a little biased here, but my boy is the only running back who has finished the season in the top three in each of his first four seasons. He's never had less than 10 touchdowns in a season (aside from 2014 when he was suspended after one game).

Despite suffering a serious knee injury in 2011, he was able to come back and rush for 2,097 yards the following year. In an era where running back by committee has become the standard, Peterson is still getting all the carries.
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2. LaDanian Tomlinson

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Vic's boy. Between rushing & receiving, Tomlinson averaged 2,003 yards from scrimmage and 18 touchdowns in his first seven seasons in the league. That’s just insane. At a position where it is tough to maintain longevity, LT was consistent every single year until he hit 30.

He finished as a top-seven running back every year from 2001-2008, finishing in the top three in six of those eight years. He was the No. 1 overall player in 2006 with 1,815 rushing yards, and 33 touchdowns (28 rushing, 3 receiving, and 2 passing) to go along with his 508 receiving yards.
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1. Marshall Faulk

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Nobody did it better. LaDainian Tomlinson was close, but Faulk’s prime was untouchable.

Owning Faulk was like having two top players jammed into one fantasy position. He gave you top-five running back numbers, and then threw in 80-90 catches on top. Simply the best of his era.

He finished no worse than 17th at the position from 1995-2003. Finished in the top seven in six of his first seven years, with No. 1 overall finishes in 2000 and 2001, seasons where he averaged 1,371 rushing yards, 798 receiving yards.

In 2000, I was in the championship game with Kurt Warner & Isaac Bruce on my roster. But even those two were no match for the guy who beat me with Marshall Faulk leading the way.

Pointless Update Three: Barry Sanders

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As some of you may or may not know, I love collecting sports memorabilia. I don't do it as an investment, (though if I was strapped for cash I could probably sell my authentic Bobby Orr autographed jersey for a decent profit). I mostly got into sports collectibles because I'm at an age where nearly all the professional athletes playing the game are younger than me. It's difficult to muster up any hero worship for someone who is your junior.

That's why I go to autograph signings, to meet the athletes I grew up admiring. I'm actually going to Vaughn, Ontario this Sunday to meet Pat LaFontaine.

So when I found out one of my favorite sports memorabilia stores, Sports Collector's Corner, was closing for good, I decided to go there this past Saturday to see what deals they had. Pretty much everything in the place was around 50% off. At first I didn't really see anything I wanted that much since a lot of the best merchandise had already been picked over.

Then I noticed a 16x20 framed picture of Barry Sanders. With the discount they were offering, I couldn't say no.
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I've said for years that I believe Barry Sanders is the greatest running back in the history of the game. Joey and I debated this issue in the past, when he said that he felt Jim Brown had that designation. I believe my position to carry more validity mainly because Jim Brown played at a time when football players weren't the athletes they are today. For the most part, they had to have jobs in the off-season because the game didn't pay them enough (That's one of the reasons Jim Brown left, he was getting paid more to star in movies).

Barry Sanders played the game when athletes were in peak physical condition. If he had been on a team with a better offensive line, I have no doubt that he would have had multiple 2000 yard seasons. He created his own holes, got out of more tackles than I can explain, and it was more exciting to watch him lose 3 yards than it was to watch any other running back sprint for 70.

In 10 seasons in the NFL, Barry Sanders ran for 15,269 yards averaging 5.0 yards per carry. He could've easily broken Walter Payton's all-time rushing record of 16,726 yards, and finished with over 20,000 yards, But instead, Barry Sanders chose to walk away from the game.

And that's why I admire him as much as I do; For being as talented as he was, he was easily one of the most humble superstars to play.

If you've never watched the episode of "A Football Life" focusing on Barry Sanders, I suggest you check it out if you get the opportunity. It's loaded with stories from his childhood, high school, college, and professional years, and it paints a picture of an extremely courteous guy. In high school, despite not starting until the forth game of his senior year, he ran for 1,417 yards. Going into the final game he told his coach to let the younger kids play, rather than staying in the game and becoming the state's leading rusher for that year.

He never once spiked the ball throughout his career and his Heisman Trophy still sits at his parents' house. It's one thing to be considered among the best at what you do, but it's something totally different to be as respectful and unpretentious as Barry Sanders was. That's why I consider him the best running back of all-time.

Pointless Update Two: The Gym

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For those of you who don't remember, I was insanely thin growing up. I was so skinny that even Urgie used to make fun of me. Seriously, Urgie of all people.

When I graduated high school, I was roughly the same height I am now (6'2"-6'3"), but I only weighed about 130 pounds. I could actually touch my thumb and middle finger around my upper arm where my shoulder and bicep meet.

It wasn't until six days after I turned 19 that I realized there wasn't going to come a day when I woke up and was bigger or stronger. If I wanted to improve my body, I was going to have to start working out.

This was a concept that terrified me since I was so far below the average when it came to physical strength, that I didn't want to look stupid or pathetic. But I told my brother I wanted to start going to the gym with him and he happily welcomed me. You see, my brother had been lifting weights since he was 19 and had competed in several bench press competitions, so I was lucky enough to have someone to help guide me toward my goals.

My first day (April 20, 1998), I went to Ultimate Physique in Lockport behind St. John's church. It was a Monday, so obviously it was chest day. Now Ultimate Physique in those days was a power lifting gym. There was chalk strewn everywhere, steroids ran rampant, and the floor in the dumbbell area was made up of shattered concrete due to the patrons dropping their weights after each set. Needless to say, I was intimidated by the place (I'll get to the intimidation later).

In an attempt to try to minimize the perception of my weakness, I decided to try and bench 95lbs. That's the bar with a 25lb. weight on each side. I only was able to get five reps. Reality set in that I was going to have to do less weight if I wanted to be able to do three sets of 10. So for the next few weeks I would bench 85lbs. to start my workout.

I remember one day GHD (His real name was Joel, and he was a guy who my brother and I would later go on to become friends with) standing over me as I was on the flat bench. He said: "C'mon Peter, let's go", "Get after it", and "C'mon, you got at least two more". I was only benching 85lbs., that's two 10lb. weights on each side. My brother was benching 405lbs for 10, and rather than having people scoff at the disparity between me and my workout partner, I was actually being encouraged.

That's when I realized, in a gym that was dedicated to power lifting, I hadn't encountered one person who was looking down on me or laughing at my expense. I had only received positive feedback and support from strangers who were all stronger than I was.

At the risk of bragging, today I've become one of the strongest people at whichever gym I attend. And I can honestly say that whenever I see a skinny or fat person trying to improve their life, I don't thumb my nose at them. Rather, I am willing to give them all the encouragement in the world. I want to shake their hand and tell them not to give up, because when I started I was in worse shape than them.

In fact, I can finally understand why so many people at Ultimate Physique were being supportive towards me when I started. It's because once you've made the gym an integral part of your life, you want to share that with as many people as possible.

Lifting weights has been the single best therapeutic decision of my life. What started as an attempt to improve my physical strength has evolved into a lifestyle that has given me more focus, energy, and an enhancement to the overall quality of my life. It's gotten me through the most difficult things the world has thrown at me.

Unless you've adopted the gym lifestyle, I'd probably have a better chance explaining the color red to a blind person than making you understand. That being said, do you really think I would want to discourage anyone from becoming involved with something I love and enjoy more than anything else in the world?

That's why I am constantly encouraging people to come to the gym with me, so they can improve themselves in a way they never imagined possible. I'm willing to be to other people what my brother was for me when I began.

That's also why I am so disgusted with Planet Fitness. Seriously, FUCK PLANET FITNESS! It claims to be a judgement free zone, but judges body builders and singles them out with a siren, calling them "lunks".
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Their commercials talk about gymtimidation. What the fuck is that? If you're so intimidated by people dropping weights or making noise when they push their bodies to their physiological limits, then you don't have the right mentality for fitness. Just drink your pop, eat your pizza, wear your crocs, and read your paper.
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I realized when I started lifting that any form of intimidation I faced was a product of my own making. Seriously, if I'm being intimidated by anything, it's a sign of weakness (physical or mental) on my part. You're pathetic if you blame external factors for making you feel bad.

It's just one of the many things that lifting weights has taught me over the years, and I can say without a doubt that bodybuilding has made me a better person; physically, mentally, & emotionally.

Pointless Update One: Buckethead

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With my team falling apart faster than the principles of Christianity when confronted with history, common sense, or the scientific method (it's genetically impossible for the human race to have been spawned by only two people), I decided that it's time to shift gears this week.

Since there has been a certain level of disappointment with regard to my lack of doing consistent updates, I decided to do one every day this week. I was inspired by my favorite guitarist; Buckethead, who last month released a new album every day leading up to Halloween. Since he stopped touring in 2012, he's been putting out albums at a frenzied pace. As of November 2, 2015, he has released 106 albums this year alone. That's an average of a new album every 2.89 days. It kind of makes the act of updating the front page once a week seem pretty effortless by comparrison.

Just a heads up though, I'll be discussing things totally unrelated to fantasy football this week. I'm planning on just opening the floodgates of my brain and typing whatever comes out. Truth be told, I really don't even have a list of things I'm going to write about, just whatever pops into my mind that day.
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Buckethead

The first time I ever saw Buckethead was in 2002 at the VMA's when he was a replacement guitarist for Guns n' Roses.
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My first thought was that the KFC bucket and Halloween mask was a cheap ploy. Kind of like the way KISS attempts to gain attention while disguising their inability to play their instruments or write decent songs by putting on makeup, wearing costumes, and having elaborate stage shows.

So for the next 12 years I dismissed Buckethead as just another gimmicky musician.

Then in January 2014, I was on Youtube when the auto-play feature started a video of Buckethead playing live after my Pantera clip finished. I didn't immediately close the window and as I started watching him play, I realized that he was actually pretty skilled. Before I knew it, I had watched the entire 43:16 performance and was blown away.

I doubt many of you are that interested, but here's the video I'm talking about. He has a short improv session starting at the 14:25 mark that I found to be very impressive.
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For all the years I've been playing guitar and listening to music, I've got to say that Buckethead is the most talented guitarist I have ever heard. Don't get me wrong, the guy is weird. I'm not going to try and deny that. He never allows himself to be photographed without his mask, he doesn't do interviews (though there is a clip of him talking on MTV using a severed head as a proxy).

For as strange as that is, I actually find it to be almost refreshing given the status of the music industry today. It seems as though for anyone to become a "star" all they need to do is be good looking, dance on stage, and perform songs that someone else has written, all the while "singing" in auto-tune. Then at the other end of the spectrum you have Buckethead; a total virtuoso who can play circles around almost anyone out there, but he's doing everything he can to avoid attention.

I could go on about how much music has moved me over the years. The way listening to a song can weave a tapestry of notes on par with that of a Shakespearean play. How the music an build to a crescendo that emulates the apex of the second act. But these are all things I don't believe I can ever make anyone understand.

And therein lies the beauty, all music a personal experience. A singular journey that taps into emotions that can take us to the heights of joy or the depths of despair. A lot of my friends listen to Buckethead and find him to be irritating, but I hear an artist. An artist who is just as talented as a painter who can take a blank canvas and turn it into a masterpiece.

Week 7: The Bad Guys Win

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Oy vey! If not for the piss taker's stellar week, I'd be the team with the most points scored against this year. It's a title I was saddled with last season, and I have no desire to return to that cesspool of utter degradation where T-Smoke now resides.

I can't say I'm too concerned though, I've still scored more points this season than any other team. What's more is that I've done so while dealing with Roethlisberger's absence, and the resulting drop-off in Antonio Brown's production numbers.

Still, this week is not without it's upside. I know how some people abhor the "negativity" in my updates, (probably because reality should be ignored if it doesn't fill you with joy joy feelings of happiness). Yes, the best part of this week was Arian Foster's has a torn Achilles. Oh, these are the moments that make life worth living.
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Get down Hitler, go ahead, get down

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It's a great way to kick off the second half of the regular season.
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As far as the update regarding our pop culture villain counterparts, I've decided to shelve it another week. It's probably going to go the way of Chinese Democracy where it's put off for so long that when it finally gets released no one cares and it never quite lives up to the hype. One of these days though. One of these days.

Week 6: 2015 - The Year of the Surprise Updates

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The act of doing updates has lost its pizzazz over the years. Seeing as how this is the league's 13th season, I've kind of explored most of the avenues to discuss each week. With that in mind, I've begun pulling back on doing an update each Monday night.

Plus, I've got other things that occupy my time and attention. Needless to say, entertaining other people doesn't rank too high on the priority scale.

So I've taken it upon myself to only do updates every other week on the league's main page, but still throw something together for each week of the regular season. Weeks 2, and 6 have both been exclusive to the archives, with week 4 being posted on game day.

Does it make things any better? Of course not, but since people don't visit this page very often I can't really say I care.

Week 5: The Good Guys Win

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So Devin & I went into Monday night's game hoping to get enough points to secure our victories. Rather than pray, we put faith in the idea that our abilities led us to make the informed and correct decisions when it came to which players to start.

Wouldn't you know it, we both won! In Devin's case, on the final play of the game with a Le'Veon Bell touchdown.

Unfortunately for Vic & Spae, Jesus had other plans for them...
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Especially Spae, who lost Jamal Charles for the rest of the season with a torn ACL. Good luck to you and anyone else who is making the mad dash to the 3:00AM waiver wire.

Here's to the Atheists emerging victorious this week.
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In other news, Rock said he paid his $20 acquisition fees on draft day so I retract my previous statement, admit my wrongdoing, and apologize. Somehow he keeps winning, and has now joined me as the only other 4-1 team in the league. I'm not concerned, his roster isn't even close to having the same amount of talent that mine does. In fact, I'm actually glad to see him doing so well since it will move him further down the draft board for next year.

But the biggest story of the week has to be Urgie getting off the schneid and registering his first victory of the season. The win came against "I make you humble bubba" (the team formerly known as DH). Not only did Urgie win, but he put up the most points out of all 12 teams this week.

I'm happy for Urgie's success, limited though it may be, since he's inherited the mantle of "lovable loser" (with T-Smoke coming in a close second), now that Devin finally won a championship. Hopefully Todd Gurley can continue getting better and maybe even start adding some touchdowns to his increasing total of rushing yards.

With all the other story lines going on this week, the match up between Don & Joe Pro kind of got lost in the mix. Don managed to drop his third in a row, and he now has sole ownership of last place in the league. Tough break. With this victory, Joe Pro moves into 4th place in the league, just two points above Devin, with the halfway mark of the regular season looming on the horizon.
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Finally, I'm considering digging out the update that I shelved last year regarding who our villain counterpart would be in the world of pop culture. I can't make any promises right now since I'm still reeling from the emotional trauma after witnessing the Astros collapse in the final two innings of the ALDS yesterday.

But rest assured, I'll make more of an effort to continue writing. Not because Rock demands it, but because of the pep talk I got from Julie Haylett on Friday night encouraging me in my writing abilities. I actually hate writing. I get easily discouraged because it seems no matter how hard I try I can never seem to make people understand the message I'm trying to convey. But that's another story for another time.

To the winners, enjoy your victory this week. And to the losers, here's a basket full of corgi puppies to help cheer you up:
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Week 4: Rock Wants An Update

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So the guy who hasn't paid his entry fee or even coughed up the cash for last year's acquisition money was upset this week that I didn't entertain him by doing an update.

I didn't have anything worth saying, and I didn't feel like putting something up for the sake of putting something up.

I'll update the front page when I'm goddamned good and ready!
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Week 3: The Champ Is Down!

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Well it was bound to happen at some point, I second guessed my way out of a win. I switched out Devonta Freeman, Joseph Randle, & the Eagles D/ST for Danny Woodhead, Darren Sproles, & the Raven's D/ST. Those 84.5 points would've destroyed anyone, I really screwed up!

Not to take anything away from T-Smoke, he's one of the few people I don't mind losing to. He managed to get the victory on the strength of a 44 point night from Aaron Rodgers. I've got to give credit where it's due, Aaron Rodgers is pretty good. Just ask his ex-roommate Kevin Lanflisi:
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Looks like I'm going to have to take it out on you next week B-Shorts. Sorry in advance. Here's a preview of what's to come...
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But as much as I know you all love to hear about me, I understand that there's 11 other people in this league who are helping fund my championship winnings this season so I'll briefly discuss your situations.

*Starting with Joey, who is now the only undefeated team in the league. His greatness rivals that of my own and I'm not looking forward to our matchup to close out the season.

*Davie continues to surprise with Julio Jones leading the way, and the emergence of Tyrod Taylor as a legitimate fantasy quarterback.

*Spae managed to take down the defending champ with the help of an inept 49er's offense led by Kaepernick who gave up way too many points to the Cardinals D/ST.

*@TheOrganic_DILF managed to get a victory this week. But let't not give him too much credit since he was playing against Don.

As for the rest of you, get your record above .500 if you expect me to even acknowledge your existence. Someone as great as me can't be bothered to with peons.

Week 2: @TheOrganic_DILF

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For all the years we've known each other, I'd like to think we have arrived at a place where not much surprises us when it comes to our behaviors. I'm a rabid anti-semite, Devin is blindly devoted to the Republican party, Spae can't spell, and so on.

But my notion of Rock was shattered this past week when his twitter account seemed to focus on the evils of GMO's and how great it was to eat organic. It was at this point that I saw he had changed his twitter handle from @DoodleRock27 to @TheOrganic_DILF

I mostly use my twitter account for following sports. I don't give vent to my feelings of frustration or personal hatreds when it comes to the things that annoy me. As a result, I expect the same thing from the accounts I follow, so when my timeline was flooded with pleas for me to use all natural foods and body lotions, I decided it was time to jump ship. I had to unfollow @TheOrganic_DILF. It's nothing personal, I just need to keep my timeline in sync with my Twitter interests, and @TheOrganic_DILF just wasn't working for me.

Still, I have to admire @TheOrganic_DILF for surprising me after all these years. Rock on @TheOrganic_DILF. Rock on!
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Week 1: Karma!

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As Rock made it a point so often last year to remind us that our contumelious behavior would lead to a vengeful blast of "karma", I thought it only fitting to do an update noting how the tables have turned.

Beginning at the start of last season, when B-Shorts altered his team name to make light of a draft day faux pas, Rock took to the message board to warn of the dangers he would face (in the form of "karma") if he did not change his name.

Much like the doomsday prophets who claimed that the rapture was upon us, we all sat back and waited for the retaliation which never came.

Fast forward to the summer of 2015 when (like every year before) we were set to draft at 1:00PM. But this was not to be, since Rock couldn't arrive until after 3:00. As a result, we changed the drat time to accommodate him.

Karma!

Then in week one, after he displaced everyone in the league, Rock loses his golden boy to a broken foot. Or perhaps a better explanation was that he lost Dez Bryant to... KARMA!

Personally, I don't fear... "the force created by a person's actions that is believed in Hinduism and Buddhism to determine what that person's next life will be like" or "the force created by a person's actions that some people believe causes good or bad things to happen to that person"

I've pissed on the altar of the fantasy football gods more than anyone in the league & I've got two championships. Just like in every other facet of life, nice guys finish last.

If I may quote George Costanza...
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"Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh."
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Post Draft Update

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Well the regular season kicks off tomorrow and with my tuxedo fitting tonight, the mad dash I'm going to make to get all my Kaplan MCAT materials from their website onto my computer, and the fact that I've got to leave for Ellicottville Friday morning for my brother's wedding, I'm going to be unavailable until some time Monday. So I decided to knock out a quick update with the new league photo & ESPN's analysis of our draft. It's ESPN so there's no accounting for quality (I mean, lets face it, they pay Stephen A. Smith for his "analysis"), but it's pretty nice to see them acknowledge the fact that I am easily the front runner for this year's championship.
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2015 Keepers

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So the keepers are in and here's the list:

Urgie:

• Marshawn Lynch

Rock:

• Doug Martin
• Dez Bryant
• Jarvis Landry
• Arian Foster

Don:

• Mike Evans

Joe Pro:

• DeAndre Hopkins
• Emmanuel Sanders

Wadhams:

• Antonio Brown
• Adrian Peterson
• Rob Gronkowski
• LeSean McCoy

Spae:

• Jamaal Charles
• Brandin Cooks

B-Shorts:

• Eddie Lacy
• Demaryius Thomas
• T.Y. Hilton
• Justin Forsett

Joey:

• Calvin Johnson
• A.J. Green
• Randall Cobb
• Sammy Watkins

T-Smoke:

• Aaron Rodgers
• DeMarco Murray

Vic:

• C.J. Anderson
• Andrew Luck
• Jeremy Hill

Davie:

• Julio Jones
• Jimmy Graham
• Alfred Morris

Ginny:

• Le'Veon Bell
• Matt Forte
• Alshon Jeffrey
• Odell Beckham, Jr.

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Here's the draft order for this year:

1. Urgie (Regular Season: 4-9, 1229.5 Points for)
2. Rock (Regular Season: 4-9, 1395.5 Points for)
3. Don (Regular Season: 5-8, 1313.5 Points for)
4. Joe Pro (Regular Season: 6-7, 1339.5 Points for)
5. Wadhams (Regular Season: 6-7, 1535.5 Points for)
6. Spae (Regular Season: 7-6, 1352 Points for)
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7. B-Shorts (Regular Season: 7-6, 1506 Points for)
8. Joey (Regular Season: 8-5, 1488 Points for)
9. T-Smoke (Lost Consolation Game)
10. Vic (Won Consolation Game)
11. Davie (Lost Championship Game)
12. Ginny (2014 League Champion)

There were two trades this off-season:

1. On Saturday, May 2nd, Rock sent his 5th round pick to T-Smoke in exchange for Arian Foster
2. On Sunday, August 30th, Joe Pro sent his 5th round pick to Rock in exchange for Emmanuel Sanders

This will result in the following draft order:

Round 1

Complete

Round 2

1. Urgie

2. Don

Round 3

3. Urgie

4. Don

5. Joe Pro

6. Spae

7. T-Smoke

Round 4

8. Urgie

9. Don

10. Joe Pro

11. Spae

12. T-Smoke

13. Vic

14. Davie

Round 5

15. Urgie

16. T-Smoke (From Rock)

17. Don

18. Rock (From Joe Pro)

19. Wadhams

20. Spae

21. B-Shorts

22. Joey

23. T-Smoke

24. Vic

25. Davie

26. Ginny

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The 2014 acquisition fees (which I would appreciate everyone paying on draft day) will be put into the league treasury fund to pay the expenses for the 2015 draft, trophy engraving and post-season party expenses. The list is as follows:

NFL (Real Niggas)

• Jeremy B-Shorts: 21 Acquisitions = $65
• Wadhams: 12 Acquisitions = $20
• Spae: 17 Acquisitions = $45
• Vic: 12 Acquisitions = $20

UFL (Fuck Niggas)

• Joe Pro: 13 Acquisitions = $25
• Davie: 15 Acquisitions = $35
• Urgie: 12 Acquisitions = $20
• Don: 6 Acquisitions = $6

XFL (Hood Niggas)

• Joey: 5 Acquisitions = $5
• Rock: 12 Acquisitions = $20
• T-Smoke: 16 Acquisitions = $40
• Ginny: 16 Acquisitions = $40

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Four More Weeks & Acquisition Fees

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I realized that in my haste to put up the draft order in the last post that I neglected to recap the acquisition fees we all accumulated in 2014.
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The 2014 acquisition fees (which I would appreciate everyone paying on draft day) will be put into the league treasury fund to pay the expenses for the 2015 draft, trophy engraving and post-season party expenses. The list is as follows:

NFL (Real Niggas)

• Jeremy B-Shorts: 21 Acquisitions = $65
• Wadhams: 12 Acquisitions = $20
• Spae: 17 Acquisitions = $45
• Vic: 12 Acquisitions = $20

UFL (Fuck Niggas)

• Joe Pro: 13 Acquisitions = $25
• Davie: 15 Acquisitions = $35
• Urgie: 12 Acquisitions = $20
• Don: 6 Acquisitions = $6

XFL (Hood Niggas)

• Joey: 5 Acquisitions = $5
• Rock: 12 Acquisitions = $20
• T-Smoke: 16 Acquisitions = $40
• Ginny: 16 Acquisitions = $40

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This year we discussed not getting pizza and wings after the draft. A lot of people leave before the food arrives, the total bill comes to around $90-$100 with delivery and tip, plus there's a good amount of food that goes to waste.

We haven't really talked very much about what the plans are this year after the draft so I'm open to any suggestions you guys might have.
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To recap the previous post:

First, if any of you guys didn't get an email alerting you to the league's reactivation, you probably need to change the email you associate with your ESPN account. For those who didn't take care of it last year, you can follow these steps:

1. Go to the following page: Member Services
2. Click on the "Account Information" link
3. Go to the "Personal Information" tab and click "Edit"
4. Put in your new email address and click "Save"

Second, the draft will likely take place Labor Day weekend on Sunday, September 6th at 1:00PM at Devin & Krissy's house.

Third, remember that the buy in this year will be $150. This will increase the payout to:

1st Place: $1000
2nd Place: $600
3rd Place: $200

Fourth, here's the draft order for this year:

1. Urgie (Regular Season: 4-9, 1229.5 Points for)
2. Rock (Regular Season: 4-9, 1395.5 Points for)
3. Don (Regular Season: 5-8, 1313.5 Points for)
4. Joe Pro (Regular Season: 6-7, 1339.5 Points for)
5. Wadhams (Regular Season: 6-7, 1535.5 Points for)
6. Spae (Regular Season: 7-6, 1352 Points for)
7. B-Shorts (Regular Season: 7-6, 1506 Points for)
8. Joey (Regular Season: 8-5, 1488 Points for)
9. T-Smoke (Lost Consolation Game)
10. Vic (Won Consolation Game)
11. Davie (Lost Championship Game)
12. Ginny (2014 League Champion)

2015 Season

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It's still only May, but ESPN has allowed us to activate the 2015 league page. Not much new to report since training camps aren't going to even start for another two months, but there's nothing wrong with trying to get a jump start on things.

First, if any of you guys didn't get an email alerting you to the league's reactivation, you probably need to change the email you associate with your ESPN account. For those who didn't take care of it last year, you can follow these steps:

1. Go to the following page: Member Services
2. Click on the "Account Information" link
3. Go to the "Personal Information" tab and click "Edit"
4. Put in your new email address and click "Save"

Second, the draft will likely take place Labor Day weekend on Sunday, September 6th at 1:00PM at Devin & Krissy's house.

Third, remember that the buy in this year will be $150. This will increase the payout to:

1st Place: $1000
2nd Place: $600
3rd Place: $200

Fourth, here's the draft order for this year:

1. Urgie (Regular Season: 4-9, 1229.5 Points for)
2. Rock (Regular Season: 4-9, 1395.5 Points for)
3. Don (Regular Season: 5-8, 1313.5 Points for)
4. Joe Pro (Regular Season: 6-7, 1339.5 Points for)
5. Wadhams (Regular Season: 6-7, 1535.5 Points for)
6. Spae (Regular Season: 7-6, 1352 Points for)
7. B-Shorts (Regular Season: 7-6, 1506 Points for)
8. Joey (Regular Season: 8-5, 1488 Points for)
9. T-Smoke (Lost Consolation Game)
10. Vic (Won Consolation Game)
11. Davie (Lost Championship Game)
12. Ginny (2014 League Champion)

And finally, enjoy the off-season. It's been a long winter
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