2013 Championship Matchup: So This Is How It Ends...

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"Put ya signs in they face!"

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For the last half-decade, Spae has longed for this day. The day when he not only was on the brink of becoming the UDFFL Champion once again, but when he had the opportunity to win it at my expense.

It hasn't been easy for the Spae man to forget our showdown in the 2008 championship game. I berated him at every possible turn, and pretty much did everything I could to ensure karma would bitch slap me across the face. But the fantasy football Gods had other plans. Specifically, to injure Jonathan Stewart at the beginning of the Panthers/Giants game. This of course paved the way for the 7 touchdown, 195 yards rushing performance I got from Brandon Jacobs and DeAngelo Williams, handing me my first championship.

Now here we stand on the brink of adding a third two-time champion to the annals of our league's history.

As a man of my word, I'll keep my promise to Spae and abstain from talking about who I think will win. All I know is that on draft day this year, Spae said his data analysis indicated that I had the best team. While I explained that my program listed him as the best team.

After this week, one of us will be proven right, and the other will be champion. Good luck!

Underdogs Fantasy Football: A 10 Year Retrospective

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With the final four teams about to engage in a horrible battle to the death, and all the hate that's risen up among everyone, I can't help but think about the events that led us to this point.

To completely tell the story of our league's origin, we must go back to the very beginning... It all started on a warm summer night in 1998.

Back then, I was just a teenager who had recently completed his first year of community college. In addition to that momentous accomplishment, I also met my first true love. I won't say her name, everyone knows who she was. My summer was spent waking up at 3:00PM, working out, eating dinner, watching the Astros, and then going to my girlfriend's house. She and I would spend the rest of the night together, until she needed to go to sleep for the evening, at which point I'd drive two blocks over to Joey's place on Wallace Ave. We'd drink whatever booze our underage hands could get a hold of, watch documentaries, break into the illegal daycare center nearby, steal the over-sized funballs, barbecue on the grill, and pass out. This cycle repeated itself for the better part of the summer. Until the day came in early-August when my girlfriend and I broke up. To say I didn't let it get me down would be like saying the U.S. shrugged of 9/11. I've never been that depressed before or again. (It's actually the last time I cried while sober: August 9, 1998).

Joey & I still hung out every day, and I could sense he knew that I'd hit rock bottom. That's why I'd like to believe he decided to start his own fantasy football league in an attempt to break me out of my funk. It all began on August 14th when Joey was taking a drag off his smoke in the living room. He said: "So, I'm thinking of starting my own fantasy football league this year. You interested?"

Now this was 1998. The Sabres had just gotten eliminated in the Eastern Conference finals, and the year before, they'd won the Northeast Division title. Long story short, the NHL was all I cared about. Ginny & I would hang out and drink on Saturday nights watching hockey until the last game on CBC ended around 1:00AM. Jim Kelly retired after the 1996 season, so football wasn't a sport I followed or cared about anymore. But out of respect for Joey, and the fact that he's never steered me wrong before, I decided to give it a shot.

The draft was held the first week of September, just before the regular season started. We were in the backyard of Kagles' house. It was me, Joey, Kurt Johnson, Dave Williams, the Quarantillo brothers, and some other people I never met.

Joey told me to bring a magazine so I could draft appropriately. I randomly chose Athlon Sports Fantasy Football Guide. Since it was a new league, we drew cards to determine the order in which we would draft. A nudie deck was used. I got the second overall pick. Brett Favre went #1 overall. I took Barry Sanders with the second pick. Yeah, that's how old I am. Joey went 3rd and took Kordell Stewart, and Terrell Davis went 4th.

The rest of the night was spent in a drunken haze. I got laughed at when I drafted Chris Chandler in the 12th round. Even though my Chandler/Tony Martin combo led me to the playoffs. I lost to Kurt Johnson who had Seattle's defense and a rookie wide receiver named Randy Moss.

In 1999, Joey set up the league again. Same draft format, same location. I took Terrell Owens and Marvin Harrison with my first two picks. Even though it was a running back heavy league, I still did well. But it was all for naught since Joey picked up Kurt Warner off the free agent wire. Joey Slomba, your 1999 Fantasy Football Champion.

In 2000, Joey decided not to renew the league. But it was too late for me to walk away, I'd been bitten by the fantasy football bug. So I started a league on ESPN's website with Devin. I was the Matthew Good Team, and despite having Kurt Warner & Issac Bruce, I finished second. As a result I got absolutely 0 dollars (this was when ESPN charged you to play fantasy football). Getting nothing burned me, but I didn't have enough people to do what Joey did and start my own league, so I took it in stride. I even played on ESPN again in 2001. This time I finished in 3rd place, but I decided that I'd had enough, it was time for the Underdogs Fantasy Football league to begin.

By now you should understand that I had no idea what I was doing. I just decided I wanted to get as many of my friends together as I could, and share with them the joy of competition that can only come from battling against the people you know best.

In the beginning, I went back to Joey's 1998 roots and had everyone put their lineups in by calling me or using AIM to let me know who they were starting.  The buy in was only $25, and final score tallies were determined by a computer program that would update on Tuesday mornings (A far cry from the real time scoring system we enjoy today). It might have been outdated, but it was free. It was the first example of my ongoing goal to maximize profits to the league's winner.

I think the best way to describe the 2002 season would be to say it was an Alpha Test. Vic won, but there were no keepers, and there was a complete overhaul once the season ended. The original 12 team league got cut down to 10, Cam & Santos were out. We went to ESPN (Even though we still had to pay for their scoring at the time). But for the most part, the 2003 season is when it all began for us.

We've undergone teams leaving (Derek Wright, Bob Leising, Tim Yaple), and rule changes (adding PPR, changing it to .5 PPR, Interception Rule). Teams being added (Davie & Don) in the expansion year of 2009. Bickering over draft picks. People not paying until after the season has ended.

Now, we stand at a point where we relish in Rock's defeats. Where I was so pissed at Devin this last week for picking up Pitta after Gronkowski got hurt that I wasn't sure I wouldn't want to punch him in the face the next time I saw him. Where Spae had to fight back a near overpowering urge to punch me in the face for the 2008 championship game (and a whole lot of other matchups we've had).

Fantasy football has brought out some of the worst traits in us. So much so that there are a lot of times I've wanted to turn it all in and give up the league altogether.

In short, there are plenty of occasions when I've lost sight as to why I started playing fantasy football in the first place.

But through it all, despite the incredible highs (my 2008 championship), and devastating lows (every year other than 2008). No matter how bad things get, we always need to remember the journey that has brought us to this point. It's one that began with my best friends, and a desire to bring us all closer together. One that I hope will continue until the end of our days. Because the league, much like the our friendships, will always be mired with good times and bad. And at the end of the day, that's what makes the entire experience worthwhile. We cover the entire spectrum of emotions over the course of four months, that most people will never understand in their entire lifetime.

Long live the Underdogs Fantasy Football League!

Week 14: I'm Fucked!

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It figures that I'd have my two top players get hurt just in time for the playoff games. I've got no other choice but resign myself to a quick and painless elimination from the bracket.

I tried to grab Pitta at 3:00, but it was too long a process with dropping Bradford and putting Gronkowski on the IR. In that time Ginny managed to get him off the waiver wire. Sure, he doesn't need him and it was just to keep Pitta off of my roster, but I know Ginny's happy. Well, you should be you fucking bastard, because in one fell swoop you used up the last of any good will you've built. No more favors from me. You're cut off! Good luck to Davie & Spae.
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Here's the 2014 draft order:

1. Don (Regular Season: 3-10, 1290.5 Points for)
2. Joey (Regular Season: 4-9, 1372 Points for)
3. Vic (Regular Season: 4-9, 1442 Points for)
4. T-Smoke (Regular Season: 5-8, 1235 Points for)
5. B-Shorts (Regular Season: 5-8, 1258 Points for)
6. Urgie (Regular Season: 5-8, 1340 Points for)
7. Joe Pro (Regular Season: 7-6, 1445 Points for)
8. Rock (Regular Season: 9-4, 1321.5 Points for)

Finally, since Vic once again had the distinction of getting the most points scored against him this season (1540), he'll choose the random 4 numbers to determine the 2014 schedule.

Week 13: The 2013 Playoffs Begin

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"Good luck everyone"

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I decided to wait until the playoff bracket & draft order were established before I updated the site. For the second time in three years I've drawn the #2 seed. When that happened I lost both playoff games and didn't even recoup my entry fee. As a result, I've decided to keep my mouth shut and not be cocky or arrogant regarding this year's postseason. I'll just say good luck to the four teams playing this week.

Here's the 2014 draft order:

1. Don (Regular Season: 3-10, 1290.5 Points for)
2. Joey (Regular Season: 4-9, 1372 Points for)
3. Vic (Regular Season: 4-9, 1442 Points for)
4. T-Smoke (Regular Season: 5-8, 1235 Points for)
5. B-Shorts (Regular Season: 5-8, 1258 Points for)
6. Urgie (Regular Season: 5-8, 1340 Points for)

Finally, since Vic once again had the distinction of getting the most points scored against him this season (1540), he'll choose the random 4 numbers to determine the 2014 schedule. 

Week 12: The Playoff Teams Are Set

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I did some calculating (since ESPN hasn't updated their standings and total points scored as of the time I'm writing this), and I've come to the following conclusions regarding the postseason.

• The White Welkers have locked up the first overall seed with their win, and the Dezzie Does Dallas loss this week. Even if DDD wins this week and The White Welkers lose, the Welkers still have the tiebreaker (most points scored). Essentially, The White Welkers have two bye weeks coming up.
• The match-up between Calvin Candies Ballers & The Christ Punchers will determine the #2 seed, and that coveted bye week. No matter what the outcome, for either of us to win a championship, we will be required to win three consecutive games.
• The Shockers have the final spot all but locked up. The only way they would miss the playoffs would be if Discount Doublecheck defeats them this week by more than 176 points.
• To the rest of the field, I'm sorry things didn't work out this year. We'll know the 2014 draft order by Tuesday, December 3.

With so much already in place, the time for making empty promises and talking smack has come to an end. From here on out, everyone needs to bring their A-Game if they want to achieve Underdogs Fantasy Football Immortality!

Week 11: Mr. Snrub Weighs In

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Hello, my name is Mr. … Snrub. And I come from some place… far away… Yes, that will do. Now I know that for the most part your fantasy football league has their playoff teams set. But I just wanted to weigh in on who I think will have the best chance to win the trophy.

The White Welkers and Dezzie Does Dallas are both good teams, but I'd like to discuss this weeks showdown between two of the bigger competitors.

This week, the Christ Punchers are playing the TSM TuffNuts. It’s hard for me to belive that the Christ Punchers will win since they have their starting quarterback and running back on a bye. Also Adrian Peterson has been hampered by an injury that limited him to 6 points last week. When you combine that with the fact that the TuffNuts have the Texans’ defense, who are playing the Jacksonville Jaguars this week, I belive that the TSM TuffNuts will easily beat the Christ Punchers. I'm calling my shot: TSM TuffNuts will win this week.
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"I like the way Snrub thinks"

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Week 10: Showdown With Rock / Power Rankings

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Well, the much anticipated match-up between Rock and I lived up to the hype. To be honest, I thought that Tony Romo & Dez Bryant were going to destroy me going into the Sunday night game. That's why I was so relieved to find out they didn't perform very well. But during that brief period when I was going through a lot of doubt, I became incredibly angry. That's why I'm not going to shit-talk Rock here. In fact, I'd like to take this opportunity to serenade him, as a congratulatory prize for a well-played game...
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Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar.


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You're gonna go far,


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You're gonna fly high,


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You're never gonna die,


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You're gonna make it if you try;

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They're gonna love you!


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With that out of the way, we can finally move on to the Power Rankings. Just a disclaimer: The total points scored is the biggest factor in determining where the team ranks, but overall record as well as recent play are also taken into consideration
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1. The White Welkers (Devin Ginty) - Manning's ankle injury isn't supposed to be a big deal, and there's no reason to believe he's going to slow down. Combine that with the free agent addition of Riley Cooper as well as the trade which brought in Ray Rice, and that makes the White Welkers the team to beat this season.
2. The Christ Punchers (Peter Mayers) - They're on a three game winning streak and have taken six of their last eight, averaging 115.7 points per week. Knocking off the team with the best record helped move them into second place.
3. Dezzie Does Dallas (Greg Gajkowski) - Regardless of how few points they score when judged against the rest of the league, credit has to be given to their record. Inconsistent play from the QB position has made the team a bit shaky, but they still should have no problems getting into the playoffs
4. TSM TuffNuts (Eric Klumpp) - Despite being .500 over their last four games, this team consistently puts up triple digit points. With Drew Brees & Jamaal Charles, there's no shortage of big game potential from this roster.
5. Calvin Candies' Ballers (David Haylett) - This team has definitely been in trouble as of late. They've lost three of their last four, and haven't broken into triple digit points since week 5! Jimmy Graham's foot injury could be a big problem. Still, they're a virtual lock to make the post season, but this is not the time for the Ballers to be cooling down.
6. The Shockers (Joe Provino) - This team averaged 142 points from weeks 6-8, and looked like they were turning the corner and becoming one of the best in the league. However, they've only averaged 68.75 points each of the last two weeks. This is a bubble team that not only has a good chance to make the playoffs but could actually make a deep run. The only issue is whether or not their play can become a little more consistent.
7. Bible Thumpers (Jeffrey Klumpp) - This team is getting hot at just the right time. Unfortunately, they've run into some pretty tough competition and are going to have to struggle to make the playoffs. If Luck can put up good numbers, it will help assist the already explosive capabilities of T.Y. Hilton and Andre Johnson
8. Wadhams Total Fitness (Joe Slomba) - This is another team that has been victimized by a rough schedule. Inconsistent play has marred this team as C.J. Spiller's injuries have been a major source of frustration as the team has a tough time finding a rhythm.
9. Discount Double Check (Phil Haylett) - The loss of Aaron Rodgers has been nothing short of devastating. Now that Jake Locker is done for the season, the team is in dire need of a quarterback. It's sad to say, but this season is all but over for them.
10. Chunk's Truffle Shuffle (Kevin Klumpp) - Tom Brady's numbers have improved since Gronkowski returned to the lineup, but this team's receivers have been absolutely non-existent this year. Time to start looking at 2014.
11. LakefestCess PoolRashOhNasty (Jeremy Bshorts) - After starting the season 0-6, they've managed to work their way to a .500 record over their last four games. Even though they won't make the playoffs this year, they have a good foundation to build on.
12. Reggie Roby's Watch (Don Merritt) - Having won only once in their last four games, this team is in need of a complete overhaul. Matt Stafford & Tony Gonzalez have been the lone bright spots this year.

Week 9: The Ballad of Urgie

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I've been struggling to figure out a theme for this week's update. There's only so many times I can motherfuck Rock before it just starts getting redundant. Besides, I'm playing him this week so the time for talk had ended. Simply put... "It's go time Mandelbaum!" Also I know that some of you visit the site from locations where it isn't acceptable to view some of the content I'd like to post.

So in the interest of keeping things safe for work and not leaving a blank for week 9, I decided to extend my sympathies to Urgie.

It's no secret I've had a soft-spot in my heart for Urgie after all the fantasy football trauma he's endured. From the Brady injury in the first game of the 2008 season to the one-point loss in the second round of the 2009 playoffs. A game where he was falsely reported to have won, and if he did manage the victory, he'd have been the champion that year. And now, suffering an epic beat-down at the hands of Vic in a week where he scored the third highest points.

What makes these events to sad is that he's never really taken a cheap shot at any of us in the league. I tweeted last weekend how a good fantasy football season will test the limits of what a friendship can endure. Let's face it, even though we're all pretty close friends, the last four months of every year is riddled with disgust for one another that teeters on the brink of downright hatred. In addition to playing a clean style of game, Urgie also seems to have good drafts (winning the Heineken golf bag prize in 2012). It's just that for some reason, usually as a result of circumstances beyond his control (whether it's having a tough schedule, or being forced to endure injuries), he can never seem to put together a winner.

Urgie's probably going to miss the playoffs (even though no one is mathematically eliminated just yet), but I just wanted to take a week to let him know that I sympathize with his situation, and remind him that no matter what happens each season, our league is better for having him in it.

Week 8: We Really Ginny'd This Week

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Let's face it, we all knew that Ginny was going to Ginny it up at some point this season. I mean, how long could the Manning/Welker combo keep up their frenzied pace? But I don't think any of us could have predicted that Ginny's team would go full-on Ginny at the Ginniest point in the season! During his only match-up against Rock.

I don't mean to pile on Ginny, I still think he's got the best team in the league. It's just that to say anything other than he blew it would mean that I would have to give Rock credit for a victory that was deserved. We all know I'm not doing that.

At least I won't have to take out a loan to fund the two drink chips I promised each person who conquers Rock (we all know how pricey they are). But as an act of good faith to the Ginny for giving it his all, I'm going to do him a solid and buy him a single drink chip.

In a weird way, my all-consuming desire to watch Rock fail this year has brought me closer to the rest of you guys. It's like all my fantasy hate has been channeled into a single stream of disgust leading to Rock, and it's bypassing the other 10 members of the league.

And on that note, I wanna say I'm sorry to B-Shorts. I had no business being triumphant this week. The victory margin was razor thin. If Andy Dalton had one less passing yard, I lose. If Adrian Peterson had one less rushing yard, I lose. If Michael Floyd had one less receiving yard, I lose. Even with all that, if Lamar Miller had one more rushing yard you'd win. And don't get me started on how badly your kicker screwed you over. It was a well fought game, I'm glad that was our only regular season match-up.

Joe Pro, your team has been impressive lately. 284.5 points in the last two weeks. Well done.

Joey, 297.5 in the last two weeks. I sure don't look forward to playing against you now.

Finally, it was too bad that all three Klumpp brothers couldn't win. But I'm happy to see that two of you were able to get a victory.

Congratulations to all this week's winners*, and better luck next time to the teams that came up a bit short.

*(except Rock)

Week 7: The Russian Dash-Cam Comparison

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Alright, just follow me on this one for a second. For those of you who might already be aware, I've steadily become a fan of Russia over the last few years. More specifically, I'm a big supporter of Vladimir Putin and his no nonsense approach to getting things done. I can't tell you how much I wish we had someone like that cleaning up this country. But this post isn't about my political beliefs.

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Anyway, in case you didn't know, nearly all Russian vehicles are equipped with dash-cams. You may have seen a few clips whenever the news does a story on that meteorite which entered the Earth's atmosphere a while back. Well these cameras have caught all sorts of craziness going on over there (mostly accidents), but it's a real nice peek into the bat-shit insanity that seems to take place on a regular basis in Russia. In fact, it makes me wonder how the hell they didn't stomp us into the ground during the cold war. The point is, I've become obsessed with these dash-cam videos and I thought I would describe each of the match-ups this week by explaining the outcomes through the lost art of animated gifs.

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Joey & Vic

After Joey put up the fewest points in the league last week, he was coming into this matchup looking to assert his dominance. In other words, Joey's team isn't the biggest or best right now, but they can still pound the hell out of someone weaker than they are. The fight in this picture is a lot like the score between the Bible Thumpers & Wadhams Total Fitness: One sided, and leaving us to ponder if it was humorous or sad. Poor Vic never had a chance.
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Spae & T-Smoke

Spae was riding high coming off the win over the champ last week. With gusto to spare, he wasn't about to let T-Smoke squeeze into the mix with a victory. But T, after getting back to his thug roots, pulled his gat on him and essentially said: "You're letting me in whether you want to or not". Sadly for Spae, he had to swallow his pride and just give up the position.
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B-Shorts & Don

A 96-91 final score isn't that exciting. But it was close (like a lot of the games this week). In the end, it was only a matter of inches (a couple more rushing/receiving yards), and things would have wound up a lot differently.

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Ginny & Joe Pro

This game was a shootout, plain and simple. Joe Pro jumped out to a big lead, but Ginny kept coming at him all afternoon and into the evening. Like in the gif: LEFT!!! RIGHT!!! SPIN MOVE!!! In the end, Joe Pro manages to get through it with a three and a half point victory. REALLY CLOSE CALL!
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Wad & Urgie

I'm a lot like the driver in the SUV here, moving along just fine. No problems, Brady only puts up 7 points for Urgie. It should be smooth sailing to victory right? Then, all of a sudden my team starts going off the road for no reason at all (Adrian Peterson only gets 5 points!) The next thing I know I get smashed. Just plain obliterated. Seriously did not see this coming.
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Rock & Davie

Was this really the championship match-up from last season? Seriously, was it? 82.5-78? Davie came into this game with the second most points scored all year behind only Ginny. He was going to put the hurt on the Rock and coast to an easy victory (He's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman). Davie was supposed to be the unstoppable juggernaut like the semi pictured here; plowing through anything that comes across its path. But Rock is as lucky as the guy who climbs from the area of the truck where the windshield used to be. By all accounts he should've been destroyed, but somehow he continues to walk away unscathed when pretty much ANY OTHER PERSON would have been killed.
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Week 6: Rock Finally Loses!

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There are some things in this life that are worth waiting for. Examples such as the rare sequel, season finale, or Super Bowl that actually lives up to its hype. A cold beer on a hot July afternoon spent mowing the lawn. Or even an Anthony Jeselnik / Mitch Hedberg punchline.

This loss is just what the doctor ordered. I don't even mind the thrashing T-Smoke put on me, as long as Rock's reign of terror has drawn to a close.

Ironically enough, the win streak comes to a halt on the day the trophy is rightfully returned to the commissioner's office (AKA: The top shelf of my closet)

I'm keeping the update short this week because there is literally nothing else I can say that would be any better than a Rock loss.

Week 5: Sharing $50 Worth of Compliments

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The more time I spend out in public (at the gym, bars, restaurants, malls, sporting events, etc.), the more I've come to the conclusion that there are a lot of people in this world who are self-centered, entitlement princesses, egotistical, selfish, and don't care about anyone other than themselves. That's why I wanted to take the opportunity to use this update to let you guys to know just how much I treasure the friendships that we all share.

Over the weekend, a good friend of mine gave me a book of compliments valued at $50. I did nothing to earn this book, my friend was just nice enough to give it to me out of the kindness of his heart. Since a $50 book has a lot of compliments, I figured the right thing to do would be to share just a small number of them with friends.

Spae: You're a dedicated teacher and buddy. Even though I don't care for basketball, I admire your commitment to learning, and teaching the sport. It's an endeavor of passion that I can only hope to achieve some day in my own life. Through all the years I've given you grief in fantasy football, you've managed to find the restraint to keep from lashing out at me, and I would like you to know I appreciate that.

Vic: The devotion you have shown to your religious beliefs has been unwavering, and I can't help but respect you for it. I might take a few good nurtured jabs at you with my team name, and atheist fantasy football persona, but through it all you've demonstrated a restraint worthy of the book of Matthew 5:39. You're also only one of two people to win a championship more than once.

B-Shorts: On those occasions where I see you out at the bar, I can always count on you to be up for another beer, and for the few occasions when I need a CNS stimulant, you don't seem to mind letting me bum a smoke. We can count on you to bring over something to eat when you come by Devin's on Sunday for the games. Even though your team might not be doing very well this season, I'm confident you'll make the NFL proud once again to have you in their division.

Ginny: You always give us a place to hang out on Sunday to watch the football games. All you ask in return is the pleasure of our company, and that we bring something to snack on. It makes me feel good knowing that you now have a team that is arguably the best in the league. Keep up all the great work.

T-Smoke: You're one of the hardest working guys I know. But not only that, you have the rare ability to make a joke at someone's expense without them feeling like it's a personal attack. It's a skill I would love to be able to add to my repertoire. In the fantasy world, you're finally starting to add some great pieces to the team which should help you more in the coming seasons.

Joey: I've been friends with you longer than I have with anyone else in the league. Through all the years, you managed to tolerate my social ineptitude, and I know that couldn't have been easy. But I think what has kept us friends this long has been the fact that both of us are willing to be as obnoxious as possible without caring how strange we might seem to other people (OJ). When it comes to fantasy football... I can't oversell how much you've helped me. From introducing me to my first league in 1998, showing me the website you use, to mentoring me as to which players to take. All of this helped contribute to my championship and the league we have today. Thank you.

Davie: Smart people are great to be around. And so are patient people. But you manage to be smart and patient at the same time, which is such an amazing, rare combination. It's good to see you turn your team around from a team that had Knowshon Moreno, and Beanie Wells as their first overall picks, to a potential championship contender.

Don: No matter what the circumstances, you'll always be up for a good party and your quick wit never ceases to make us laugh. I think I speak for everyone when I say how much it amazes me that you seem to be the only one who can poke fun at the king of Lockport without any reprisals. The gradual  improvement you’re showing with your team is commendable. I can see that you're definitely trying more than in the past years, and I think you're not far off from finishing in the money some day soon.

Joe Pro: You're a budding family man who has always been ready to share whatever you have with the rest of us. In the years I've known you, you've demonstrated a limitless generosity without asking for anything in return. The relationship you have with your father makes me wish I could be that close with my own dad. Fantasy wise: You managed to take over a team when you joined the league and turn them into champions. Keep it up, and I can't imagine that a second one is too far off.

Urgie: With a level head and strong work ethic, both of which you got from your father, you've had more bad breaks in the world of fantasy football than the rest of us put together. But through it all you never blame anyone, or lose your cool. You just keep right on grinding through season after season. If there is any justice in this universe, you'll get your name on that trophy soon enough!

That's it you guys, I hope you know just how much I enjoyed sharing this with all of you. After all: Sharing is caring.

Week 4: The Wrath of Rock

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"Roooooock!"

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I'll be honest, after Tannehill floated that gift up to get intercepted, I just shut the TV off and wanted nothing to do with fantasy football for the rest of the night. All he had to do was not throw a pick. Or in the absence of that, just throw for one more passing yard to ensure that the best Rock could do was tie. Sadly, neither scenario played out and now we have the team with the SECOND FEWEST POINTS SCORED ALL YEAR with an undefeated record of 4-0!

There were a number of ways I thought about taking this update.

1. An open letter from the Underdogs Fantasy Football Trophy to it's members begging to be rescued from the clutches of Sebastian Drive. I don't know if the chalice holds any mystical powers, but the fact that Rock was supposed to surrender it after the draft but still keeps it locked away might be a legitimate reason he is still undefeated.
2. Making a case that there in fact is no God. When the Christ Punchers score the most points for the week against their religious rival, combined with Rock's continued win streak, it begs the question: "Where was God in all this?"

In the end, I just decided to stick with what has been my go to update theme: Saying "screw Rock!" What really burns me is I know that deep within the darkest corners of his home he's smiling, thinking that his team is actually good, and these victories are all well deserved.

T-Smoke, it's on you now. The entirety of the league's hopes and dreams fall on your injured shoulders. Just remember to keep your pimp hand strong and slap the champ back into reality!

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Week 3: Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa POWER! (Rankings)

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I know I say it every week, but sorry about the delay with the update. This time I have a legitimate excuse, a note from my doctor as it were. I didn't mention it to anyone, but I had minor surgery under my tongue on Tuesday to remove a salivary gland stone that had been obstructing my saliva duct. That infection I had under my tongue at the draft was a result of the blockage. Fortunately things went well and I'm doing fine.
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With that that being said, I thought I'd do something different now that the season is roughly 1/4 complete, and come out with what will probably be a quarterly Underdogs Fantasy Football Power Rankings.

1. The White Welkers (Devin Ginty) - With Manning way ahead of everyone in fantasy points, and the Broncos' offense putting up monster numbers, it looks like you can count on the 3-0 Welkers to consistently be a difficult team to play. If there is anything to be concerned about it's that Manning can't keep up this pace for too many more years, so the window for the White Welkers to clinch their first UDFFL championship is getting smaller. I'm starting to think that it's this year or bust.
2. Calvin Candies' Ballers (David Haylett) - Jimmy Graham is absolutely on fire this season, and to be honest, this team could be a strong contender for the #1 position. Unfortunately for the Ballers, the head-to-head loss to The White Welkers in week one dropped them to the #2 slot.
3. TSM TuffNuts (Eric Klumpp) - Another team with a rough amount of points scored against that kept them from being unbeaten. With Brees & Vick, it's possible they have the best quarterback tandem in the league, giving them a lot of opportunity for substitutions each week. And with the premium amount of points the QB can score, that could be rough for anyone hoping for a poor defensive matchup. If Jamaal Charles can stay healthy, they have a real shot at the cup.
4. Discount Double Check (Phil Haylett) - They have a RB, QB, WR, & DT all in the top six of their respective positions. This is gives DDD points from all over the field in a way not many other teams can duplicate . And despite the owner's claims that the newly imposed -2 points for a QB interception is unfair, I think it should be noted that even with the new rule, 9 of the top 11 point scorers in this league are quarterbacks.
5. Wadhams Total Fitness (Joe Slomba) - With two of his darkest and most beloved receivers, Calvin Johnson & A.J. Green both in the top 10 in receiver scoring, WTF is a threat to overcome almost any deficit if either of these two can get a long TD. I know some of you might balk at this because of their 1-2 record, but considering the nearly 400 points they've had scored against them, it's a safe bet they'll bounce back to make the postseason.
6. Dezzie Does Dallas (Greg Gajkowski) - Even though they're only one of two teams that are undefeated, this team has had the fourth fewest points scored this season. It's a trend that cant continue over the course of a 13 game regular season. Simply put, they're reaping the benefits of an easy early season schedule. With Ray Rice out, and Doug Martin coming back down to earth after his rookie year, DDD are going to be hard pressed to repeat.
7. The Christ Punchers (Peter Mayers) - Despite having the #1 & #2 RB's on the roster, their lack of talent at the WR & QB position is a cause for concern. The hope of a Gronkowski comeback might not matter if he isn't on the roster soon. This is a bubble team hoping for a shot at the postseason.
8. The Shockers (Joe Provino) - After the Steven Jackson injury, this is a team that is flirting with a .500 record. It's still too early to know what this roster can do, but if Frank Gore and Dwayne Bowe can return to form and pick up the slack until Jackson's projected week 7 return, look for the Shockers to be another one of the "bubble teams".
9. Chunk's Truffle Shuffle (Kevin Klumpp) - The only team who wants the return of Rob Gronkowski just as much as the Christ Punchers. Tom Brady's lack of quality receivers has made life difficult for CTS, but if Reggie Bush can get healthy again, and Marshawn Lynch, continues his consistent play, look for CTS to continue to rack up enough wins to stay in the hunt.
10. Bible Thumpers (Jeffrey Klumpp) - Long gone are the days when Ladanian Tomlinson kept this team in contention year after year. While the team has improved over their last place finish in 2012, keepers Larry Fitzgerald and David Wilson are grossly under-performing. It looks like the Thumpers are going to spend another season on the outside looking in when it comes to the playoffs.
11. Reggie Roby's Watch (Don Merritt) - Robert Griffin III is having a difficult time duplicating the success of his rookie season, but that's not a major issue since Matthew Stafford is more than an adequate replacement. Unfortunately, inconsistent play from the receivers as well as injuries to Maurice Jones-Drew, and Jonathan Stewart as well as Justin Blackmon's suspension have all added up to a rough year for Roby.
12. LakefestCess PoolRashOhNasty (Jeremy Bshorts) - We knew full well going into this season that it was going to be a rebuilding year after the only keeper was Roddy White, but few could've predicted how poorly this team was going to be. Demaryius Thomas has been the lone bright spot in an otherwise forgettable roster of underachievers and injury prone RB's & WR's. Unless things change soon, we can put LakefestCess PoolRashOhNasty on the clock for the first overall pick in 2014.

Week 2: The Rich Get Richer

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So that's two years in a row I've lost to Ginny. And what's worse, the Rock wins again! Funny stat: If Rock had played ANYONE other than B-Shorts this week, he'd have lost. I guess you can save this emergency tiara for another day...


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On a positive note (since rock hates all the "negativity"), T-Smoke rallied for a win this week. Even in the face of the interception penalty that was imposed this year for quarterbacks. Regardless... after an Aaron Rodgers beatdown like that, I'm sure T's feelin' like:


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Finally, after putting up a shitload of points against Ginny last week and still losing, Davie wasn't going to be denied again.



That's your penance for cutting Davie from the basketball team in 06!
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Week 3 Coming up...

Week 1: The Struggle Between Good & Evil

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"Inside every man is a struggle between good and evil that cannot be resolved."
          - Homer Simpson
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I’ll be honest, I actually did an update late last night and almost published it. But I decided to hold back. The story goes like this:

Sunday we were at Ginny’s house watching the game and we all kind of agreed that Rock (as grand master of all things fantasy football) has become the new villain of the league. It’s a title that I’ve held down for the last decade and now it’s slipped away. So not to be outdone, I decided to make comparisons as to which famous pop culture villain each of us represented. Some of the examples were pretty benign (Ginny was going to be John Kreese, the Kobra Kai sensei  from the Karate Kid. You know, for all his badassery and striking first/striking hard while showing no mercy; he winds up getting humiliated at the end [via Mr. Miyagi’s nose honk]).

But some were less friendly, and borderline mean. At least mean enough to the point that I didn’t feel like dealing with all the whining and victimhood claims that I know I’d get.

So rather than focus on what could have been, let’s just move on and look forward to week 2.

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The 2013 Season Begins Tonight

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As always, sorry about the delay. I've just had a few things keeping me from getting stuff done around the site. I promise that I'll do my best to keep things updated and on time this season.

For those of you who would like to relive the magic of Rock's contemptuous championship speech to his subordinates, I uploaded it to YouTube and embedded it below.



Good luck to everyone this season, and may the best team win.
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Keepers

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Sorry about the delay, but I've been running around trying to get things done before the first day of classes tomorrow. Here's a screen-cap of the draft board I took from my program. Here is a lit of which players are being kept:

Vic:

• Larry Fitzgerald
• David Wilson

Joe Pro:

• Steven Jackson
• Vincent Jackson

Urgie:

• Marshawn Lynch
• Reggie Bush
• Tom Brady
• Stevan Ridley

B-Shorts:

• Roddy White

T-Smoke:

• Aaron Rodgers
• Arian Foster

Don:

• Trent Richardson
• Maurice Jones-Drew
• Robert Griffin III

Ginny:

• Matt Forte
• Wes Welker
• Peyton Manning
• Chris Johnson

Wad:

• Adrian Peterson
• LeSean McCoy
• Torrey Smith
• Rob Gronkowski

Joey:

• Calvin Johnson
• C.J. Spiller
• A.J. Green
• Randall Cobb

Spae:

• Jamaal Charles
• Drew Brees
• Brandon Marshall

Davie:

• Matt Ryan
• Julio Jones
• Jimmy Graham
• Alfred Morris

Rock:

• Doug Martin
• Ray Rice
• Dez Bryant

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For those who didn't remember the draft order, here it is again:

1. Vic (Regular Season: 2-11, 1302.5 Points for)
2. Joe Pro (Regular Season: 5-8, 1322 Points for)
3. Urgie (Regular Season: 5-8, 1486.5 Points for)
4. B-Shorts (Regular Season: 5-7-1, 1429 Points for)
5. T-Smoke (Regular Season: 6-7, 1345 Points for)
6. Don (Regular Season: 6-6-1, 1250 Points for)
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7. Ginny (Regular Season: 7-6, 1407.5 Points for)
8. Wad (Regular Season: 7-6, 1486 Points for)
9. Joey (Regular Season: 7-6, 1648.5 Points for)
10. Spae (Regular Season: 8-5, 1580 Points for)
11. Davie (Regular Season: 9-4, 1477 Points for)
12. Rock (Regular Season: 10-3, 1678.5 Points for)
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As always, to try and cut down on the confusion, here's things will go:

Round 1 - Completed

Round 2

1. B-Shorts

Round 3

2. Vic

3. Joe Pro

4. B-Shorts

5. T-Smoke

Round 4

6. Vic

7. Joe Pro

8. B-Shorts

9. T-Smoke

10. Don

11. Spae

12. Rock

Round 5

13. Vic

14. Joe Pro

15. Urgie

16. B-Shorts

17. T-Smoke

18. Don

19. Ginny

20. Wad

21. Joey

22. Spae

23. Davie

24. Rock
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Finally, the 2012 entry fees (which I would appreciate everyone paying on draft day) will be put into the league treasury fund to pay the expenses for the 2013 draft, trophy engraving and post-season party expenses. The list is as follows:

NFL

• Jeremy B-Shorts: 10 Acquisitions = $10
• Wadhams: 15 Acquisitions = $35
• Spae: 12 Acquisitions = $20
• Vic: 7 Acquisitions = $7

UFL

• Joe Pro: 10 Acquisitions = $10
• Davie: 20 Acquisitions = $60 (Paid on 12/31/2012)
• Urgie: 7 Acquisitions = $7
• Don: 10 Acquisitions = $10

XFL

• Joey: 13 Acquisitions = $25
• Rock: 5 Acquisitions = $5
• T-Smoke: 10 Acquisitions = $10
• Ginny: 14 Acquisitions = $30 (Paid on 8/14/2013)

Remember, this money is going towards the draft board, draft day booze, trophy engraving, and food so please be kind enough to pay. See you on Sunday

Long Live the Rock...

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And the season begins anew. Rock, I hope that you'll savor the remaining moments as champion because now you've got a bulls-eye on your back and the rest of the field is coming to unseat you. Just a few quick heads up(s):

• I'm trying to change the scoring we agreed upon last season to implement a 2 point deduction for each interception a QB throws. Unfortunately, ESPN isn't letting me make ANY scoring changes as of now. Hopefully that'll work itself out as the season gets closer.
• Also, I'm ordering a new draft board. Our current one never had the Underdogs logo like I originally requested, plus it's suffered some water damage since it used to be kept in Ginny's basement.
• I set the draft date for the usual time: Labor day weekend (Sunday September 1), though if needs be this date can be changed.

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Now, onto the business of the 2013 season. The draft order for next year will be as follows:

1. Vic (Regular Season: 2-11, 1302.5 Points for)
2. Joe Pro (Regular Season: 5-8, 1322 Points for)
3. Urgie (Regular Season: 5-8, 1486.5 Points for)
4. B-Shorts (Regular Season: 5-7-1, 1429 Points for)
5. T-Smoke (Regular Season: 6-7, 1345 Points for)
6. Don (Regular Season: 6-6-1, 1250 Points for)
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7. Ginny (Regular Season: 7-6, 1407.5 Points for)
8. Wad (Regular Season: 7-6, 1486 Points for)
9. Joey (Regular Season: 7-6, 1648.5 Points for)
10. Spae (Regular Season: 8-5, 1580 Points for)
11. Davie (Regular Season: 9-4, 1477 Points for)
12. Rock (Regular Season: 10-3, 1678.5 Points for)
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The 2012 entry fees (which I would appreciate everyone paying on draft day) will be put into the league treasury fund to pay the expenses for the 2013 draft, trophy engraving and post-season party expenses. The list is as follows:

NFL

• Jeremy B-Shorts: 10 Acquisitions = $10
• Wadhams: 15 Acquisitions = $35
• Spae: 12 Acquisitions = $20
• Vic: 7 Acquisitions = $7

UFL

• Joe Pro: 10 Acquisitions = $10
• Davie: 20 Acquisitions = $60 (Paid on 12/31/2012)
• Urgie: 7 Acquisitions = $7
• Don: 10 Acquisitions = $10

XFL

• Joey: 13 Acquisitions = $25
• Rock: 5 Acquisitions = $5
• T-Smoke: 10 Acquisitions = $10
• Ginny: 14 Acquisitions = $30

Remember, this money is going towards the draft board, draft day booze, trophy engraving, and food so please be kind enough to pay.

Finally, since Vic had the misfortune of having a whopping 1618.5 scored against him this season, he will select the random numbers this year that will generate the 2013 schedule.

Enjoy the rest of the summer, and good luck to everyone this fall.