Week 4: NFL/Fantasy Owners

First of all, thanks to Joe Pro for the heads up on the Union-Sun & Journal's police report today. No names though. Any ideas on who it was?

Town of Lockport

• FIRE: A Sebastian Drive man reported Friday that as he was pulling up to his house, he noticed smoke coming from under the hood of his 2001 Pontiac Grand Prix. He lifted the hood and saw his engine was on fire, the report said. The man said he was able to put the fire out with a garden hose. An estimate of damage was not available.

Link to story:
Union-Sun Police Report
___________________________________________________

Well, the NFL’s regular season is a quarter over and Fantasy Football’s is just under a third finished. Now that things are pretty well established, from a seasonal perspective and because this is the 6th official year of the league, I’d like to take this time to discuss team owners.

Who wants to hear me recap week after week? It eventually gets boring. You should all have access to my dementia! At least the portions that cause me to daydream about stuff like this.

Now, we've all come to know one another’s tendencies as Fantasy Team Owners. Joey loves him some darkness at quarterback, Ginny can’t seal the deal, and I bitch about how the entire world is against me. So I wondered, now that we’re pretty well established in our behavior, how we would fare as NFL owners. More specifically, which NFL owner most closely mirrors our Fantasy personality?
___________________________________________________

Rock - Al Davis



Is it really that hard to see? Neither can build a winner no matter how high they draft every year. Both seem hypnotized by the glitter of a rookie prospect (Rock – Jay Cutler, Al Davis – Robert Gallery), Both seem to be in love with Darren McFadden this season. They jury’s still out on that one, but rest assured, that no matter how high the Raiders/Dragons draft, there’ll be a bust with their name on it.
___________________________________________________

Wadhams - Daniel Snyder



Why Snyder? First and foremost… he’s a Jew! But like Snyder, I spend exorbitant amounts of money each season (I led the league in free agent pickups last year and this season I’m at the front of acquisitions). But for all the money spending, neither of us can build a winner. Rather than look in the mirror at the real cause of the problem, in typical Jew form we blame everyone else for the team’s inability to win a championship. Snyder – The Coaches, the players. Wadhams – The schedule, the keeper restrictions (I had to let Brandon Marshall & Reggie Bush go, while Rock gets rewarded for having a terrible team by only keeping two and drafting high!). The Redskins are doing slightly better than I am this year. Perhaps I should get some thugs to shoot Plaxico Burress in the Femoral Artery to up my win total.
___________________________________________________

Joey - Ralph Wilson



Why Ralph? Because the two of them are both from the Old School, that’s why. Ralph is one of the principal founders of the AFL, plus he gave the money to keep the Oakland Raiders and Boston Patriots afloat when they were about to go under, so you KNOW that's old school when one guy can support 3 football teams. Joey’s been playing fantasy football since the 80’s. Seriously. Even before it was called fantasy football, it was known as Terry Bradshaw football. Things were done on his computer. A Tandy if I remember correctly. I still remember on our way to Media Play in the summer of 96, Joey had to stop by The Dugout to put his fantasy picks in. The quarterback? One Jeff Blake! Both Wilson & Joey’s strength lies in the draft. Neither is one to throw a lot of money toward flashy free agents, and it’s paying off with a solid season for both.
___________________________________________________

Timmy - Jerry Jones



Yee-Haw! With a Dickie Bomb in hand and a TapOut belt buckle so big it HAS to have come from the Lone Star State, Timmy’s the boisterous fantasy owner of our league. Both Timmy and JJ are making moves and acquiring players that by every indication aren’t worth the trouble. (Timmy: Julius Jones, Michael Turner, Jerry Jones: Tank Johnson, Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones). Yet somehow when they get on the roster, they play well. Both have championships to their name.
___________________________________________________

Urgie - Lamar Hunt



I know it seems kind of morbid to be comparing Urgie to a dead guy but hear me out. Lamar Hunt was the late owner of the Chiefs who actually was the guy who founded the AFL, and gave our beloved Bills a league in which to play. When he passed away nearly two years ago, there was a lot of outpouring of respect for the guy. When I look at Urgie in the world of Fantasy Football, he hasn’t really accomplished much, but he’s been pretty much widely respected. He doesn’t take cheap shots at the other league members, he doesn’t complain about getting a bad wrap or having his star players get hurt. Lamar Hunt was the only example of an NFL owner I could think of who everybody had something nice to say about. The same goes for Urgie. It just sucks that he couldn’t have stayed alive a few more years so this analogy would be a little more accurate.
___________________________________________________

Vic - Robert Kraft



While not the “dynasty” the Patriots were/are?, Vic has won multiple championships if you want to count the 2002 season when he won our original 12 man league that had both Cam & Santos. But like Kraft, Vic has been hording the talent that is Landanian Tomlinson season, after season after season. While Brady is considered by many to be the best football player in the NFL, LT is highly regarded as the best Fantasy Player. Now we just need Tomlinson to go the way of Brady and we’ll be sitting pretty. November 9th, and December 14th the Chargers will be playing Bernard Pollard and the Chiefs. Enjoy it while it lasts Vic.
___________________________________________________

Joe Pro – Steve Bisciotti



They’re both Italian. They’re both snappy dressers. But the big parallel here is that Bisciotti wound up buying the Ravens after Art Modell decided to give them up once he had won a championship with the team in 2000. Bob Leising won the league in 2004 and was given the boot shortly thereafter. In stepped Joe Pro to take the reigns of a once proud championship team. While their teams haven’t won it all since they took over, the two are working vigorously to reestablish themselves as a contender.
___________________________________________________

Ginny - Paul Allen



It’s not just because Paul Allen got where he is by latching on to Bill Gates, the way Ginny got where he is by marrying into the Maziarz family. No, the parallels between these two owners are far more sinister. Seattle is like a road map for Ginny’s trainwreck teams. Division championship after division championship. Riding high all season. Then come the playoffs, and there goes the talent that got them there. Is it the Chunky (Endorsed by Hasslebeck & consumed by Ginny)? Most likely.
___________________________________________________

Spae – William Clay Ford, Sr.



I’d like to thank Joey for help on this one. When I first tried thinking of Spae’s antics in the league, nothing specific came to mind. That is until I remembered how poorly he writes/spells his posts. Until Dexter Manley gets a franchise, I’ll have to settle for someone who’s just short of illiterate. Who can read Spae’s writing? Seriously? And just like William Clay Ford, Sr., why the hell couldn’t he read the writing on the wall? Letting Matt Millen run your franchise for 7 years?!?! Plus he’s one of the kingpins at Ford. Can’t he see the American automotive industry is a sinking ship? These guys need to learn to read! Learn to read! Learn to read!
___________________________________________________

T-Smoke – Mike Brown



T was probably the toughest to find a match with. His deal is a never-ending hatred of Ginny. And since the Seahawks moved from the AFC to the NFC a couple years back, they really don’t have a clear-cut nemesis. So I decided to compare T to the Bengals owner. Not just because of their love-affair with Carson Palmer, but mostly due to the fact that they can have a great team on paper, but it somehow doesn’t translate to success on the field. I remember everyone at the draft saying he had a great team. And who could disagree. Marshawn, Braylon Edwards, Terrell Owens, Carson Palmer. The list goes on and on. But for some reason, they hit the field and then they can’t seem to put it together. Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, T.J. Houshmandzadeh… I figure the Bengals should have at least 1 win. I figure with T’s talent, he should be over .500.

Week 3 Recap

My flawless photoshop skills strike again.

And with that, the number of undefeated teams in our league has dropped to zero. Sorry if I haven’t been that interested in Fantasy Football as of late, but since the season’s still in its infancy and there’s no one clear cut team that’s head and shoulders above the rest, I’m moderately distracted by other things.

Things such as:
- Baseball is closing in on the playoffs
- Fantasy NASCAR has only 8 races left
- I’m following the OJ trial
- Rock’s Stag Party is this Saturday

But above all else, THE BILLS ARE 3-0!!! Not that I’m trying to take credit for it, but I didn’t make it into the game until the 4th quarter began. Coincidence?

No offense to Ginny or Urgie, but you missed a great ending. There was something in the air this Sunday. Something that even as Jamarcus Russel threw that 85 yard touchdown, you knew that it wasn't going to last. It just felt like every time Trent Edwards stepped on the field, he was imposing his will on the Raiders D and it was only a matter of time until he finally drove the blade through Al Davis' Jew heart (see picture above).

Finally, the reason I never posted my hate mail to ESPN is because Joey talked me out of it. He was concerned that my antics could result in getting us banned from the site. A scenario that wouldn’t seem that unlikely when you consider the amount of anti-Semitic rhetoric I was going to include. All things considered though, he was right. There was no pressing need to for a formal complaint, the situation with the free agents worked out, and there was no harm. I do realize that I'm representing all of you and not just myself when it comes to contact with the server hosts.

Week 2 Recap

Just to twist the knife a little deeper into Vic, I decided to post this video of DeSean Jackson being a dumb bastard. Nothing says “I am totally oblivious to my surroundings” more than failing to exercise a level of common sense that would make even this guy laugh at your stupidity.



Moral of the story: Know how far you are to the edge/line before you try and start showing off!

Anyway, it serves you right Vic for starting McNabb. It just goes to show you that it is a bad idea (either in the NFL or Fantasy Football Universe) to have a black starting quarterback if you want to win a championship.

Now... on to the week!

Some might think I’d be bitter about getting a monster number of points scored against me two weeks in a row. Or perhaps you were betting on a tirade about the schedule fucking me yet again. How about Ed Hochuli’s officiating allowing Ben Stewart to throw for 4 touchdowns? Sadly I must disappoint you. If I have to lose, I don’t mind it being to Joey. Anything that advances the interests of Rocktown (and subsequently the downfall of the Sebastian Drive Dragons), is good by me.

The Shockers edged out the Catfighters on a count of DeSean Jackson’s dumb ass. But I’m sure Joe Pro would agree with Mike Shanahan in believing that there’s no such thing as a bad win.

The Legends could possibly be “The Real Diel” with a solid showing two weeks in a row. Their depth will likely make them a good team down the stretch.

The Dragons continue to find new and exciting ways to lose games. This week offered up a showdown against T. Of course I’m using the term “showdown” loosely. Who would’ve guessed that 78.5 points wasn’t going to win the game? Oh yeah, did I neglect to mention that the Dragon’s bench scored nearly 100?

And to the matchup of the week, Urgie versus Ginny. Let’s be honest, we all felt a little bad for Urgie after Brady got jacked up in week 1. Between that, Garcia being out with injury, and having Wes Welker, Dallas Clark, Deuce McCallister and Daunte Culpepper all on his roster… I think I speak for everyone when I say we wanted to see him do well this week. And do well he did. Aaron Rodgers scored 33 points off the waiver wire, Anquan Boldin lit it up for and additional 41 & Earnest Graham tore into Hot-lanta with 24.5.

But before the accolades start to run rampant, I think it only necessary to divulge the following information…

While staying at Ginny’s this past weekend, I got hungry and decided to look through the pantry for something to eat. After digging through spaghetti sauce and tuna fish, I stumbled upon several cans of Campbell’s Chunky Soup!!!

I think that at long last we’ve found the epicenter for Ginny’s tragic downfall when it comes to fantasy football. Campbell’s Chunky = Football Poison!

Don’t believe me?! Then just look at these statistics of NFL players who have endorsed the Chunky:
________________________________________
Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 NFL career (avg. 4.5 yrs.)
Victims to Date: 14
________________________________________
Totals
Dead 1
Nearly Killed 1
Careers Ended 3
Still Playing, But Really, Really Sucking 4
Playing for the Arizona Cardinals * 1
Played with Terrell Owens 1
Choked in Super Bowl ** 2
* Kurt Warner may have been God's fault.
** Despite choking in the Super Bowl, Ben Roethlisberger won.

For more information on the Chunky Soup Curse, see the following link.

http://www.chunkysoupcurse.com/

Week 1 Recap

First of all, this a reimaging gif I found of Tom Brady's Stetson commercial that was too damned funny not to share. The original is embedded below.



So week 1 is in the books. I hate to admit it, but for all the joy and elation my cold, black heart feels about Tom Brady's injury, there are some pangs of sympathy toward Urgie here.

I remember on draft day looking at the board during the 15th round and seeing that Urgie was the only one besides me who hadn't taken a second quarterback. In his defense though, at the time it seemed like it would've been a wasted pick on a player who would likely get only one start on the year.

Oh, how cruel fate is. Now Urgie's Welker pick has a diminished value as well. My heart goes out to you brother. Brady deserved this, but you certainly didn't. Funny how I feel no guilt about picking up Cassel though.

On a separate note, the Legends were worthy of their namesake by posting the most points this week in a rout of the nigger haters. But the biggest story is Swayze's abomination of a draft yielding the second highest point total for the week. A sure sign of the apocalypse. Especially since the Large Hadron Collider goes online tomorrow:

http://www.crunchgear.com/2008/09/08/end-of-the-world-on-wednesday-take-a-half-day-today/

In light of his performance, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to Timmy for my negative critique of his draft.

OWNED!!!

Well, the 2008 season is underway. Whether or not Brandon Jacobs turns out to be a good pick for me remains to be seen, till I know for sure I'll have to find some level of ease at seeing him knock LaRon Landry on his ass, bounce his head off the turf and proceed to step on his chest.

I finally decided a way to remedy the schedule. While it won't be perfect (believe me I've tried every possible scenario to make it work, but there will unfortunately have to be some teams that play an opponent 3 times), we can avoid the same schedule year after year.

Simply put, we can randomly switch schedules (For example, Joe Pro takes over Ginny's, and Ginny takes over Joe Pro's). I'll have to change every team's schedule game by game, week by week.

Since this season is already underway, I figure it would be only fair to put this into practice next year. If anyone has a problem with this plan, or a better idea I will be more than happy to listen to suggestions.

It's just that one thing is for sure. Everyone having the exact same schedule (generated by ESPN) every year is something I would very much like to avoid.

Alliances, Enemies and ...meh

Throughout the many years we’ve been playing fantasy football together, a certain number of lines have been drawn that divide people into groups with the title of either: Fantasy Football Friend or Fantasy Football Foe. While others still fall into the category of neutrality. My such board of friends, enemies and … meh, are as follows:

Enemies:

• Vic – Everything about Vic, in the realm of sports, says “Fuck you, Wadhams!” From his defeating me in the final game of the 2006 season (A game that if I won, would’ve put me in the playoffs, and subsequently I would have won the championship), to beating me down in last year’s championship game, Vic has been a thorn in the paw that is my Fantasy Football glory! Don’t stop there, you can look at the other things Vic has done to oppose me. Ladanian Tomlinson as the only player ranked above my precious Adrian Peterson in almost every fantasy ranking. Carl Edwards (Vic’s NASCAR boy), the new rival of Kyle Busch (My boy, and current points leader). Fuck you Vic! Your day of reckoning is coming.

• Rock – The former mayor of Rockville & owner of a perennial bottom 4 team. I first turned my hatred toward Rock last season as I was the well publicized mayor of nearby Oaktown. Rock’s team’s lackluster performance combined with his managerial impotence forced the Thrashers out of Rockville forever. Now it’s up to Joey (Owner of the now defunct Oaktown Rippers) & I to decide what to do since we’ve claimed lordship over the dominion of Rockville.

• Ginny – Waking up at 4:00am to add the latest player who had a monster week. Picking up shitty free agents and then offering them up in a trade. This is but a taste of the dirty pool that Ginny calls Fantasy Football. Honor? Nope. Integrity? Pfft… please. At least we don’t have to throw “Being able to rise to the occasion when the pressure is on” to that list.

Friends:

• T – We’ll always be united in our hatred of Ginny and our mutual disgust at Spae skipping out on his family last year to spend Thanksgiving with the Deils. These were both things that T had no problem being vocal about on the message board, and for that he will always be on my good fantasy graces.

• Joey – Together we ruled Oaktown with an iron fist. Now, with the prospect of the Oaktown franchise claiming land near Sebastian Drive, you can rest assured that there will be overwhelming naval support in the form of nigger hating dolphins. In the world of fantasy football Joey and I have a non-aggression pact that is iron clad. As long as the Dragons of Sebastian Drive exist, there will be nigger hating dolphins and (insert joey’s name) united against them.

• Timmy – For the most part, Timmy has kind of flown under the radar. He doesn’t seem to engage in a lot of message board bashing or incur the wrath of anyone. Normally this would put him in the …meh category. But for one shining week in December of 2006, Timmy won the Underdogs Fantasy Football Championship by defeating the spawn of Satan* himself. *I'm referring to Vic

Meh

• Urgie – I originally had you in the friends category, but there’s never been much fanfare when you and I have played each other. You’ve neither crossed me nor done anything fantasy football wise to earn my accolades.

• Joe Pro – I harbor no ill will toward Joe Pro as of now. He fucks with Ginny, which is good. But he fucks with T, which I don’t care for. Ginny could easily take enough berating for the both of them. I can’t even mock Joe Pro for all his free agent pickups because I still had more than him last season. In short I’m Switzerland to his everyone else.

• Spae – Spae is going the way of the enemy more than friend. We’re in the same division, and I’m still bitter about the hissy fit he threw in 2006 regarding the Ronnie Brown, Larry Fitzgerald trade. Good call there brother, Ronnie Brown is fantasy gold & is Larry Fitzgerald even in the league anymore? So watch your step, you’re teetering on the brink. And just so you know, if things with you and T escalate again this season, you won’t have to ask where my loyalties lie.

New Draft Board

Say hello to the new draft board. Be sure and thank Spae for both deciding to acquire one, and pay for it.

Keepers & Draft Order

Alright, Here are the keepers:

Joe Pro:

• Steven Jackson, StL RB
• Andre Johnson, Hou WR
• Marques Colston, NO WR
• Ryan Grant, GB RB

Ginny:

• Chad Johnson, Cin WR
• Joseph Addai, Ind RB
• Randy Moss, NE WR

Vic:

• LaDainian Tomlinson, SD RB
• Jamal Lewis, Cle RB
• Larry Fitzgerald, Ari WR
• T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Cin WR

Spae:

• Brian Westbrook, Phi RB
• Drew Brees, NO QB
• Frank Gore, SF RB

Urgie:

• Willis McGahee, Bal RB
• Tom Brady, NE QB
• Earnest Graham, TB RB

Wadhams:

• Clinton Portis, Was RB
• Tony Romo, Dal QB
• Adrian Peterson, Min RB
• Plaxico Burress, NYG WR

Timmy:

• Peyton Manning, Ind QB
• Antonio Gates, SD TE
• Willie Parker, Pit RB

Rock:

• Reggie Wayne, Ind WR
• Maurice Jones-Drew, Jac RB

Joey:

• Larry Johnson, KC RB
• Marion Barber, Dal RB
• Calvin Johnson, Det WR
• Santonio Holmes, Pit WR

T-Smoke:

• Terrell Owens, Dal WR
• Carson Palmer, Cin QB
• Marshawn Lynch, Buf RB
• Braylon Edwards, Cle WR

Same gig as every year, the draft order is determined by the previous season's record. Playoff eliminations are determined by who had a better record, followed by regular season points scored.

1. Rock – DNQ for Playoffs (4-9 Regular Season Record)
2. Joey – DNQ for Playoffs (6-7 Regular Season Record; 1410 Points For)
3. Joe Pro – DNQ for Playoffs (6-7 Regular Season Record; 1414 Points For)
4. Timmy – DNQ for Playoffs (6-7 Regular Season Record; 1433 Points For)
5. Urgie – Lost in 1st Round of Playoffs (6-7 Regular Season Record)
6. Spae – Lost in 1st Round of Playoffs (7-6 Regular Season Record)
7. T-Smoke – Lost in 2nd Round of Playoffs (7-6 Regular Season Record)
8. Ginny – Lost in 2nd Round of Playoffs (9-4 Regular Season Record)
9. Wad – Lost Championship Game
10. Vic – Won Championship Game

Since Rock is the only one who is keeping two, he gets to go twice to start things off. Here is how the first round will go:

1. Rock
2. Rock
3. Timmy
4. Urgie
5. Spae
6. Ginny
7. Rock
8. Joey
9. Joe Pro
10. Timmy
11. Urgie
12. Spae
13. T-Smoke
14. Ginny
15. Wad
16. Vic

From round 2 on, we'll follow the standard format as listed first.

2008 Preview

Alright, the website is up and running. Let me just start by saying that I made the necessary adjustments to the league’s settings. These coincide with the changes we all “agreed” upon last January at the owners meeting. For those who forgot, here’s the final recap once again:

• League Expansion has been shot down – I still feel we should try and think of a way to make it possible in the coming years.
• Points Per Reception (PPR) will now rank at .5 points per reception – We compromised between throwing it out completely and last year’s setup which gave an over-abundance of points to receiving backs who got a lot of catches, but very few yards.
• The 6 point bonus for a touchdown over 40 yards has been altered to a 6 point bonus for touchdowns over 50 yards – This rule also now only applies to receiving and rushing touchdown over 50 yards. The quarterback gets no bonus for long touchdowns anymore. Don’t like it? Well there was enough votes to get rid of it so learn to fucking cope!
• The schedule will still have its flaws due to the number of weeks and number of teams – It just won’t work out for everyone. Expansion is the answer.
• The acquisition fee will jump from $1 per pick up to $5 per pickup once that team has made 10 acquisitions – So from your 11th free agent on, you’ll have to pay $5 each time.
• The league fee will this year be spent on “A Good Time” since we will not have another meeting – This “Good Time” has been hinted at as a down payment on a party bus/limo for a trip to a strip club preferably north of the border.
• 3rd Place will now get their original entry fee back – The distribution of funds that we agreed on will be $600 to the winner, $300 to the runner up & $100 to the third place player.

Don’t believe me on any of this? Then click on the thumbnail below. It's a scan of the original document we took all this down on at the meeting. The only issue yet to be resolved was if we’ll have a tournament among the 4 teams who miss the playoffs to determine draft order for the following season. Still not sure how that will play out.