Week 8: We Really Ginny'd This Week

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Let's face it, we all knew that Ginny was going to Ginny it up at some point this season. I mean, how long could the Manning/Welker combo keep up their frenzied pace? But I don't think any of us could have predicted that Ginny's team would go full-on Ginny at the Ginniest point in the season! During his only match-up against Rock.

I don't mean to pile on Ginny, I still think he's got the best team in the league. It's just that to say anything other than he blew it would mean that I would have to give Rock credit for a victory that was deserved. We all know I'm not doing that.

At least I won't have to take out a loan to fund the two drink chips I promised each person who conquers Rock (we all know how pricey they are). But as an act of good faith to the Ginny for giving it his all, I'm going to do him a solid and buy him a single drink chip.

In a weird way, my all-consuming desire to watch Rock fail this year has brought me closer to the rest of you guys. It's like all my fantasy hate has been channeled into a single stream of disgust leading to Rock, and it's bypassing the other 10 members of the league.

And on that note, I wanna say I'm sorry to B-Shorts. I had no business being triumphant this week. The victory margin was razor thin. If Andy Dalton had one less passing yard, I lose. If Adrian Peterson had one less rushing yard, I lose. If Michael Floyd had one less receiving yard, I lose. Even with all that, if Lamar Miller had one more rushing yard you'd win. And don't get me started on how badly your kicker screwed you over. It was a well fought game, I'm glad that was our only regular season match-up.

Joe Pro, your team has been impressive lately. 284.5 points in the last two weeks. Well done.

Joey, 297.5 in the last two weeks. I sure don't look forward to playing against you now.

Finally, it was too bad that all three Klumpp brothers couldn't win. But I'm happy to see that two of you were able to get a victory.

Congratulations to all this week's winners*, and better luck next time to the teams that came up a bit short.

*(except Rock)

Week 7: The Russian Dash-Cam Comparison

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Alright, just follow me on this one for a second. For those of you who might already be aware, I've steadily become a fan of Russia over the last few years. More specifically, I'm a big supporter of Vladimir Putin and his no nonsense approach to getting things done. I can't tell you how much I wish we had someone like that cleaning up this country. But this post isn't about my political beliefs.

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Anyway, in case you didn't know, nearly all Russian vehicles are equipped with dash-cams. You may have seen a few clips whenever the news does a story on that meteorite which entered the Earth's atmosphere a while back. Well these cameras have caught all sorts of craziness going on over there (mostly accidents), but it's a real nice peek into the bat-shit insanity that seems to take place on a regular basis in Russia. In fact, it makes me wonder how the hell they didn't stomp us into the ground during the cold war. The point is, I've become obsessed with these dash-cam videos and I thought I would describe each of the match-ups this week by explaining the outcomes through the lost art of animated gifs.

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Joey & Vic

After Joey put up the fewest points in the league last week, he was coming into this matchup looking to assert his dominance. In other words, Joey's team isn't the biggest or best right now, but they can still pound the hell out of someone weaker than they are. The fight in this picture is a lot like the score between the Bible Thumpers & Wadhams Total Fitness: One sided, and leaving us to ponder if it was humorous or sad. Poor Vic never had a chance.
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Spae & T-Smoke

Spae was riding high coming off the win over the champ last week. With gusto to spare, he wasn't about to let T-Smoke squeeze into the mix with a victory. But T, after getting back to his thug roots, pulled his gat on him and essentially said: "You're letting me in whether you want to or not". Sadly for Spae, he had to swallow his pride and just give up the position.
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B-Shorts & Don

A 96-91 final score isn't that exciting. But it was close (like a lot of the games this week). In the end, it was only a matter of inches (a couple more rushing/receiving yards), and things would have wound up a lot differently.

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Ginny & Joe Pro

This game was a shootout, plain and simple. Joe Pro jumped out to a big lead, but Ginny kept coming at him all afternoon and into the evening. Like in the gif: LEFT!!! RIGHT!!! SPIN MOVE!!! In the end, Joe Pro manages to get through it with a three and a half point victory. REALLY CLOSE CALL!
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Wad & Urgie

I'm a lot like the driver in the SUV here, moving along just fine. No problems, Brady only puts up 7 points for Urgie. It should be smooth sailing to victory right? Then, all of a sudden my team starts going off the road for no reason at all (Adrian Peterson only gets 5 points!) The next thing I know I get smashed. Just plain obliterated. Seriously did not see this coming.
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Rock & Davie

Was this really the championship match-up from last season? Seriously, was it? 82.5-78? Davie came into this game with the second most points scored all year behind only Ginny. He was going to put the hurt on the Rock and coast to an easy victory (He's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman). Davie was supposed to be the unstoppable juggernaut like the semi pictured here; plowing through anything that comes across its path. But Rock is as lucky as the guy who climbs from the area of the truck where the windshield used to be. By all accounts he should've been destroyed, but somehow he continues to walk away unscathed when pretty much ANY OTHER PERSON would have been killed.
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Week 6: Rock Finally Loses!

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There are some things in this life that are worth waiting for. Examples such as the rare sequel, season finale, or Super Bowl that actually lives up to its hype. A cold beer on a hot July afternoon spent mowing the lawn. Or even an Anthony Jeselnik / Mitch Hedberg punchline.

This loss is just what the doctor ordered. I don't even mind the thrashing T-Smoke put on me, as long as Rock's reign of terror has drawn to a close.

Ironically enough, the win streak comes to a halt on the day the trophy is rightfully returned to the commissioner's office (AKA: The top shelf of my closet)

I'm keeping the update short this week because there is literally nothing else I can say that would be any better than a Rock loss.

Week 5: Sharing $50 Worth of Compliments

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The more time I spend out in public (at the gym, bars, restaurants, malls, sporting events, etc.), the more I've come to the conclusion that there are a lot of people in this world who are self-centered, entitlement princesses, egotistical, selfish, and don't care about anyone other than themselves. That's why I wanted to take the opportunity to use this update to let you guys to know just how much I treasure the friendships that we all share.

Over the weekend, a good friend of mine gave me a book of compliments valued at $50. I did nothing to earn this book, my friend was just nice enough to give it to me out of the kindness of his heart. Since a $50 book has a lot of compliments, I figured the right thing to do would be to share just a small number of them with friends.

Spae: You're a dedicated teacher and buddy. Even though I don't care for basketball, I admire your commitment to learning, and teaching the sport. It's an endeavor of passion that I can only hope to achieve some day in my own life. Through all the years I've given you grief in fantasy football, you've managed to find the restraint to keep from lashing out at me, and I would like you to know I appreciate that.

Vic: The devotion you have shown to your religious beliefs has been unwavering, and I can't help but respect you for it. I might take a few good nurtured jabs at you with my team name, and atheist fantasy football persona, but through it all you've demonstrated a restraint worthy of the book of Matthew 5:39. You're also only one of two people to win a championship more than once.

B-Shorts: On those occasions where I see you out at the bar, I can always count on you to be up for another beer, and for the few occasions when I need a CNS stimulant, you don't seem to mind letting me bum a smoke. We can count on you to bring over something to eat when you come by Devin's on Sunday for the games. Even though your team might not be doing very well this season, I'm confident you'll make the NFL proud once again to have you in their division.

Ginny: You always give us a place to hang out on Sunday to watch the football games. All you ask in return is the pleasure of our company, and that we bring something to snack on. It makes me feel good knowing that you now have a team that is arguably the best in the league. Keep up all the great work.

T-Smoke: You're one of the hardest working guys I know. But not only that, you have the rare ability to make a joke at someone's expense without them feeling like it's a personal attack. It's a skill I would love to be able to add to my repertoire. In the fantasy world, you're finally starting to add some great pieces to the team which should help you more in the coming seasons.

Joey: I've been friends with you longer than I have with anyone else in the league. Through all the years, you managed to tolerate my social ineptitude, and I know that couldn't have been easy. But I think what has kept us friends this long has been the fact that both of us are willing to be as obnoxious as possible without caring how strange we might seem to other people (OJ). When it comes to fantasy football... I can't oversell how much you've helped me. From introducing me to my first league in 1998, showing me the website you use, to mentoring me as to which players to take. All of this helped contribute to my championship and the league we have today. Thank you.

Davie: Smart people are great to be around. And so are patient people. But you manage to be smart and patient at the same time, which is such an amazing, rare combination. It's good to see you turn your team around from a team that had Knowshon Moreno, and Beanie Wells as their first overall picks, to a potential championship contender.

Don: No matter what the circumstances, you'll always be up for a good party and your quick wit never ceases to make us laugh. I think I speak for everyone when I say how much it amazes me that you seem to be the only one who can poke fun at the king of Lockport without any reprisals. The gradual  improvement you’re showing with your team is commendable. I can see that you're definitely trying more than in the past years, and I think you're not far off from finishing in the money some day soon.

Joe Pro: You're a budding family man who has always been ready to share whatever you have with the rest of us. In the years I've known you, you've demonstrated a limitless generosity without asking for anything in return. The relationship you have with your father makes me wish I could be that close with my own dad. Fantasy wise: You managed to take over a team when you joined the league and turn them into champions. Keep it up, and I can't imagine that a second one is too far off.

Urgie: With a level head and strong work ethic, both of which you got from your father, you've had more bad breaks in the world of fantasy football than the rest of us put together. But through it all you never blame anyone, or lose your cool. You just keep right on grinding through season after season. If there is any justice in this universe, you'll get your name on that trophy soon enough!

That's it you guys, I hope you know just how much I enjoyed sharing this with all of you. After all: Sharing is caring.

Week 4: The Wrath of Rock

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"Roooooock!"

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I'll be honest, after Tannehill floated that gift up to get intercepted, I just shut the TV off and wanted nothing to do with fantasy football for the rest of the night. All he had to do was not throw a pick. Or in the absence of that, just throw for one more passing yard to ensure that the best Rock could do was tie. Sadly, neither scenario played out and now we have the team with the SECOND FEWEST POINTS SCORED ALL YEAR with an undefeated record of 4-0!

There were a number of ways I thought about taking this update.

1. An open letter from the Underdogs Fantasy Football Trophy to it's members begging to be rescued from the clutches of Sebastian Drive. I don't know if the chalice holds any mystical powers, but the fact that Rock was supposed to surrender it after the draft but still keeps it locked away might be a legitimate reason he is still undefeated.
2. Making a case that there in fact is no God. When the Christ Punchers score the most points for the week against their religious rival, combined with Rock's continued win streak, it begs the question: "Where was God in all this?"

In the end, I just decided to stick with what has been my go to update theme: Saying "screw Rock!" What really burns me is I know that deep within the darkest corners of his home he's smiling, thinking that his team is actually good, and these victories are all well deserved.

T-Smoke, it's on you now. The entirety of the league's hopes and dreams fall on your injured shoulders. Just remember to keep your pimp hand strong and slap the champ back into reality!

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